K, we now know the base of operations for this whole martian conspiricy is Walmars and Kmars and they's taken over nearly every freekin town and who knows where this crap is gonna stop... but ya needs to understand how this situation came about it's quite logical actually they gets you to go in them places by selling products yer convinced you need...

so the root of the matter is twofold
1. how and why these products were developed
and B. how we were convinced we need all this shit...

for years we was happy with bread and milk and vegetables and cotton and steel and tobacco and alcohol and rubber then they started inventin crap no one needed before and convincing us we had to have all these "personal care" products which is a catch-all phrase for anything what keeps you from stinkin or looking like you might stink...

weapons of mass consumption like soaps, bath oils, hair shampoos, hair conditioners, hair dryers, hair combs, hair brushes, hair dyes, hair sprays, bald head polishes, mustache waxes, ear swabs, ear wax removers, nose hair trimmers, toothpastes, tooth brushes, mouthwashes, skin cremes, deodorants, perfumes, colognes, astringents, razor blades, shaving cremes, after shaves, leg hair removers, tweezers, suntan lotions, emory boards, fingernail polishes, lipsticks, mascaras, foundations, eye liners, facial tissues, ass-wiping tissues, vaginal yeast-eaters, jock rot sprays, vaginal drip catchers, penis wart medications, hemmorhoidal supposedorgies, floor waxes, medicated acne pads, medicated maxi pads, them lil belts you use to strap yer penis to yer thigh with (I ferget what they're called - mine just says "EXTRA LARGE"), and toilet seats...

anyways, all this shit is alien technology martian crappola and they fooled us into thinkin we need this all this shit but just think about this if you put all this shit into a swimmin pool and jumped in you'd prolly just melt and turn into that solyent green shit which may be what they're up to here and that's prolly why their so dam intristed in fattenin us up with crap like hot dawgs... speekinuvwitch, I read somewheres once that there's earthworms in hot dawgs course I know that sounds redickalus so I checks the ingredients

now who the hell wantsta be thinkin bout salted earthworms in hot dawgs
my gawd just let me freekin enjoy my mechanically separated by-products...

so I spose Oscar Myer was pulverizing pig lips and eyelids in a blender one day and says to hisself "ya know - this sure could use some slime and red coloring" and maybe he had a can of worms on the workbench cause when he was done grinding up his pig he was gonna go fishin or some shit so he's all "AHA!" dumpin worms in the blender and the rest is histery...

that's why even though they has that song about "my baloney has a first name..." they don't say shit about the last name they won't even talk about it... but they sure do talk about this guy's meat on and on about how ol' Oscar's packing so much meat he needs a freekin truck to haul it around in....

Guess who qualified for handicapt parking.

and there's a LOT of other shit I won't go into cause all this shit's beside the point when I has my hands full just trying to keep my herd of ginny pigs from runnin rickshaw around my apartment eatin holes in my carpet and making all kindsa racket when I step on 'em and it's like - *hey* - you don't like it here go run rickshaw in some other apartment you'll find out you never had it so good you ungrateless flock of bacon bits

and that what got me thinkin
there aint no mouse flavored cat food
and there aint no cat flavored dawg food
but I'll see yer ass and raise you my willy
that these freekin martians
are way into human flavored martian food...

so then this story comes on the news
about two rottwhilers what went into a Kmars
and attacked the Kmartians
I TOLE YOU BOUT THIS PROBLEM
dawgs do not like freekin martians
NO earth creatures do
even ginny pigs are bound to attack em on sight
I think animals can smell implants in peeple
what's been taken over by the martians
implants so tiny humans can't even see em
unless the martian's zombies turn sideways in front of a blue light...

that's why I keeps my freekin ginny pigs in the car when I goes to Walmars ya know cause watching a Walmartian get eated to death by a gazillion ginny pigs aint a pretty sight no matter how many times you watch it in slow motion and I'm sorry bout them gettin eated like that but he who eats first gets ate last if ya knows what I mean... anyways, ultimately the freekin martians are gonna implant chips in everyone and I won't go into where

and they'll have some international terrorassed database of peeples butts
and they'll use that to verify that yer butt scan's an exact match
who woulda known no two assholes are alike til the martians came up with crap
who the hell ever knew or wanted to know this shit - NO ONE
that's why peeple *still* say "an asshole is an asshole" or
"you've seen one asshole you've seen them all"...

they'll prolly get away with it too
cause who the hell wants to wage a technillogical war against butt scanning
and be called a crack hacker or an ass defender
though rear guard may be ok cause they already use that one
all I know is that *I* don't wanna belong to some freekin butt militia...

so when ya has yer ass scanned the scanner matches you up with Barry freekin Manilow or some shit like that then the anal detentive checkout martian will think yer one of them maybe even give you an employee discount they do that - they're very clanish you know cause I guess martian zombies what scan assholes have a lot in common...

who better to sniff out assholes than dawgs
asshole scanners since prehisteric times
but ferget that
cause since them rottwhilers went into a Kmars
and ate a few parts off a few Kmartians
they won't let dawgs in there no more
so that's why I'm building this army of ginney pigs...

and the biggest challenge facing me is teachin them to attack on command
I've tried all sortsa shit - but they won't eat raw hamburger
and they get all freeked out when ya try to strap a weapon on their back
so even though they're the perfect size and all
they're wimpy and nervous and shake a lot
so fer now I'm only using dummy gernades...

anyways in one experiment I took half of em shaved their hair off and put that camelflage shit all over em even blacked out under their eyes so they looks very mean and credible and the other half of the flock I just left with their sissy hair but it turns out how they look makes no difference they just run around poopin and squeelin either way...

so my next idea is to make their poop a weapon by mixing gunpowder in their feed and strap disposable lighters to their butts so that when they runs around it shoots out sparks and shit and then the first attack I'm planning is running an entire platoon of ginny pigs up and down the personal care aisles

and in the end these lil armypigs will be thought of as Walmartyrs and Kmartyrs hell one day there'll be a new religion and peeple will be passing out lil bits of walmartyr's shreddings as some kinda holy good luck crap sorta the way they do with coupons now only without barcodes (maybe)...

and yeah, I might lose a few good soldiers
but it's for a good cause
and they'll be making movies
what praise their courage
for gettin themselves
all blowed up and shit
like "The Longest Line"
"Ginnypigzilla VS The Minimartians"
"The Disappearance of Aisle 3"
and "The Day The Line Stood Still"...

so anyways
my girlfriend has a ginny pig
named Stewart
and I figgered
I'd have to make him a General
cause otherwise she'll prolly cut me off when she hears I formed this army
and di'n't tell her bout it...

but Stewart...

well Stewart is sorta dumb
well ok - Stewart's like a rock with hair on it
cept he moves
I ain't sayin I got any pigs what are any smarter
but I mean Stewart has really long hair
so he looks like a connedsheinches objector
a hell of a lot more than he looks like a General
so that's why I aksed her
could I please give him a crew cut
but she won't lemme do that...

so - here I am on one hand I has to make him a General and on the other my army pigs aint gonna respect Stewart cause dammit he looks like Richard freekin Simmons' love child he even squeels the same way... so it'd be like here's my army headin into Kmars or some shit led by this pansy pig squeelin "Come on boys!" and "Kick your legs up high"

ya has no idea how much planning this all takes - all the angles to consider
so I tells my girlfriend lissen - his hair will grow back
and besides - frankly hon - I love you
but yer ginny pig looks stoopiter than hell
running around in them lil spandex shorts
fer gawdsake I has some army fatigues what he can fit into
once we gets him fattened up on these steroids
but she's all "well you aren't feeding Stewart gunpowder *or* steroids"...

well hell - no *wonder* the damn piglet's a sissy...

and now she's talkin bout having Stewart newturd and I'm like dam hon - he's freekin gay what's he gonna do - knock up a male ginny pig anyways his sexual preference made me hesitated bout draftin his furry lil ass I di'n't wanna let any gay ginny pigs into my army but it was my girlfrind what argued it wasn't right to discriminate that I should be able to werk out a "Don't Ask - Don't Squeal" policy... so that's when I figgered the only way out was to make Stewart a general

there's an all you can eat pasta salad special over at the La Femme Eatery then go over to her place and grab the pig ya know - hogtie his lil feet together blindfold him and stuff his lil hairidden ass in a lunch box get him over to my place and shave his hair off my girlfriend'd never recognize him then... I'd just say aw hell hon, he musta ranned off to join a gay circus or some shit like that (not that there's anything wrong with that) like maybe he's wearing a lil pink tutu and swinging on a trapeeze whilst some cheezy circus organ is playing "Mandy"...

but *meanwhile* I'd be teaching Stewart
to be a fierce leader and rename him
maybe Spike
cause that's a way tough name
a name the other ginny pigs
will look up - well across - to
and rally behind (in a non-gay kinda way)...

and the freekin martians
will learn his terrible name the hard way
and when they see him charge
leadin his special forces into Walmars
they'd be all
"RUN FER YER FREEKIN MARTIAN ZOMBIE LIVES - IT'S SPIKE!!!"
prolly scare the freekin blue vests offuvem
and then I'd tell my girlfriend what I did
and she'd fergive me acause her Stewart would be like a major hero...

but I knew that in order to lure him into this Richard Simmons lunch box I'd have to wear this steenkin Chanel No 5 crap and to make dubble sure he'd cooperate I rented this pink tutu so... I spose you has every reason to find it odd, officer me crawling out my girlfriend's window in the middle of the night lookin like this...

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