Prolog

  An excited man is coming all over everybody's radios:

THE NATIONAL INSTITSTOOT OF HEALTH IS ISSUING A HEALTH ALERT CONCERNING THE DANGERS OF FRANFURTERS. THE SUCKEDRATARY GENERAL OF THE INSTITSTOOT OF WE KNOW WHATS BEST FOR YOU SAID TODAY IN A PRESSED CONFERENCE, "IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT PEOPLE RUINING THEIR LIVES WITHOUT OUR PERMISSION THAT'S AT STAKE HERE - WE HAVE TO PROTECT OUR CITIZENS FROM THE REAL THREAT OF SECOND HAND FAT."

  Mio thinks for the umpteenth time about kicking the habit.

TURNING TO OTHER NEWS...

THE PREMIER OF PAKISPANK ISSUED AN OFFISHYALL WARNING AGAINST INTERFERING IN HIS COUNTRY'S TESTING OF NUCLEAR WEAPONS, STATING, "BACK OFF, WEENIES!" INTELLIGENTS SOURCES SAY PAKISPANK IS CLOSE TO PERFECTING A TAXICAB DELIVERY SYSTEM FOR THEIR NUCLEAR WARHEADS.

  Perhaps it was just his impagination, but as Nad lay on his branch snoozly unawares of the news, he thought he saw the time machine he had left behead in the 30rd century shimmer into view briefly and then disappear again. Nad rubbed his eyes blinkly and soon frogot about it.

  Meanwhile events were unfolding that were folded before but now were becoming not so folded as they once were...

AND IN WASHEDINGHAM, DC...

MOANICAL LEWDINSKI TOOK THE STAND TODAY AND WAS CHARGED WITH STAND THEFT BY SPECIAL PERSECUTER KENNETH "RINGO" STARR. MISS LEWDINSKI, POINTING TO AN OSCAR-MYNER HOTDOG LABELED EXHIBIT 'D', INFATTILY SHOUTED, "THAT'S HIM!". SHE MAY BE CALLED BACK TO TAKE THE STAND SHOULD THE PRESTOTENT OF THE UNTIDIED STATES AGREE TO GET IT UP. "WE'LL SEE HOW IT STANDS IN THE MORNING", SAID THE PRESTOTENT'S ADMENISTRAIGHTIVE AID, CLITORIA PHILLATIO.

  The radio awakens Miss Lilleeann, asweat from a strange dream about a giant lizard. Cursing under her breasts, she immediately phones her therapist's office for an appointment.

AND IN OTHER NEWS...

THE ENTIRED CITY HAS TURNT OUT TO SEE THE PREMIER OF 'THE POPE'S TOUR OF THE ENTIRED CITY - THE SECOND COMING', FEATURING THE RETROFITTED POPEMOBILE. THIS IS NO TIME TO BE HAVING SEX!!!

  "Here he comes! Again!", yells everyone in the crowd at the same time as if they have extra censery precipitation, at the leader of the basiliska.

  The man at the weenie-wagon is doing a lot of bizniz despite the new anti-weener crusade. "Gotta love that Pope!", he saids.

A Clear And Present Danger

  "Now Dr. Tonks", Dr. Bonk, the president of the werld scientists, is saying (to Dr. Tonks) as he lites up a Havana-sized cigar in his pressedjesus office at the top of the 400 story skyraper, "our calculations indicate we MUST retreive that jungkle boy's time machine you left behin... er - ahead in the 30rd century!"

  "I don't think that's necessary Dr. Bonk", replies Dr. Tonks, noting the tender way Dr. Bonk is stroking the cat he'd explained earlier he'd paid a fortune for (it was pure bread with a pedicure a mile long) and was to be a gift for his wife. "There's no one there capable of operating it - it can present no danger. The crisis is over."

  "Oh contrayer", rebuttsomes Dr. Bonk, blowing a cloud of smoke the size of Cuba toward Dr. Tonks. "As you know, the inventor of that particular time machine is missing. We believe he may have been hiding aboard the time machine when that jungkle boy entered the 30rd century. If so - he's still there... er - then."

  Dr. Tonks, now green and hacking, enderupts, "Could you put that thing out? I'm allergic!"

  "Oh... of course - sorry - I'll toss it out the window.", saids Dr. Bonk.

  "By the way...", saids Dr. Tonks to the window-bound Dr. Bonk. "Who IS the inventor of that model?"

  "That would be the inflamous Dr. Abby!", !!!s Dr. Bonk.

  "Oh no...", piercingly onos Dr. Tonks. "Dr. Abby scares the hell outta peeple!"

  "Exactly", agrees Dr. Bonk as he tosses the cat out.

Let's Make A Deal

  Meanwhile and 1000 years ahead, Dr. Abby is nogoatiating the return of his time machine what has been captured by an autonomadic tribe of 30rd century mutant cavemen. Despite a double major of Linguistics and Pantsthrapology he is having little success at the bargaining table.

  "Obviously from East Yourapeon stock", he mutters allowed acause they can't understand a werd of what he's saying, not matter how loudly he yells. "Time for Plan B", he desides.

  Now he's dancing in circles atop the bargaining table, dangling faux-costume jewelry (the kinda shit that you get outta gum machines for a quarter) at the cavemen. "SEE THE BEEDS? SHINE-EEEE BEEDS!", he chants, the way you talk when yer waving a hotdog around, trying to get your dog to come inside so you can rub their nose in the crap they left on yer carpet when they know they crapped on the carpet but you know they like hotdogs so you have to soften yer voice like a freekin idiot, only the dog figgers when you catch up with him yer gonna be shouting and screeming, so he hesitates - cept he really wants that hotdog.

  Of course Dr. Abby is unaware that the cavemen's grunts are actually a quite developed and sophisticated language (which includes extracentury perception), honed over the course of a melinoleum. So as they talk amongst themselves he hears only grunting, and assumes they are but simple responses of fear and anticipation concerning him and the beeds.

  MCFT30RDC#1: Nice place to relax and ferget the Y2K project deadline fer a while... This gentleman seems highly excitable. Though he seems incapable of intelligent speech, I'd assume he wants his time machine back.

  MCFT30RDC#2: Yes. Quite likely. Say - the drinks here are pretty good... Personally gentlemen, I find this character's non-sequitor outbursts at once both annoying and charming. Like this table dance. What's THAT all about?

  MCFT30RDC#3: Perhaps it's a mating ritual of some sort?

  Dr. Abby (dancing): YOU LIKE-EEEE?? YOU WANT-EEEE??? YOU HAVE! YOU GIVE ME TIME MACHINE!

  At this point the buzzed mutant cavemen feel a tip is in order, so one of them stands up and slips 20 MCFT30RDC dollars (a large petrified 30rd century mutant potato), into Dr. Abby's trousers. They fall down. The cavemen laugh at his low-fat hotdog.

Viagra Falls

  Not long after that, though 1000 years earlier, Mio, left limpid after a bathos, is walking down a busy city street on his way to see his 'shrink' about a prescription for Viagra. "Hotdog!", he Freuds in anticipation of getting it up, "I'm gonna get me some pussy at last!" Suddenly a cat falls on his head.

Roots

  An Amish farmer, one Leroy Smeltbatter, sits at the head at the table, his newlyed wife gathered round the rest, and begins the blessing.

  "We thank thee Most Heavily Fodder", he begins as he breaks the bakedly-fresh loafer of bread, and takes the traditional first bite. Unbenosed to anyone, inside that first bite has been baked a wayward grasshopper what has ekscaped from a NASA experiment that exposed the insect to hideoses of gammafried radiation.

  Suddenly Farmer Smeltbatter's hat begins to rotate at high speed and smoke shoots out his ears.

  "LEEEEROYYYY!!!", shouts Mrs. Smeltbatter.

  "Pasties! What have thou donst to this bread???", he aks his new bride whose maided name was McTits, through his singed beard.

Tears For Fears

  "The problem is confindered in my head", saids she. "I do wish I could be made better."

  "Take your dress off, lay down there, and put your feet in the stirrups", saids he. Once in polesitson he tells hers', "go on..."

  "You see I have a insirmountsomeall fear of the future. I mean - what if... what if it contains giant mutant grasshoppers - of which I am even MORE scared of?"

  "Now now", saids Mio, continudeing his exam. "I think the likesomehood of that is as nilly as my willy."

  "Can you cure me Doctor?", aks Miss Lilleeann.

  "The Doctor will see your now, Miss Lilleeann", enderuptions the recepticaleness.

  "WHAT!?!?!?! Yer not the Doctor????", she acks as she jumps up and replaces her skirt.

  "No, I'm waiting to see the Doctor", saids Mio.

  "Oh", saids Miss Lilleeann.

Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me

"ATTENTION EVERYBODY!", saids a guy coming all over the radio. "AFTER A YEAR LONG SPREE LEADING THE PIRATES OF PISSEDPANTS ON A RAMPAGE OF POLITEACLE INCORRECTNESS, ABUSE OF CREWED MEMBERS, AND LOITERING IN SPAS, THE INFLAMOUS THOUGH PATSY PIRATE, CAPTAIN LYLE, HAS BEEN CAPTURED OFF THE COAST OF NEVADA! THE STUCKSPECT WAS APPREHINDED WHEN HE ATTEMPTED TO SOLICIT THE TROUSERS OFF AN FBI AGENT. STAY TUNAD FER FARTHER DETAILS!!!!"

  "You have the shushedspect in cussedity?", aks the Directless of the CIA.

  "Yes, but Capt. Lyle's not cooperating. Says he wants a certain gerbil afore he'll make a deal."

  "A CERTAIN gerbil?"

  "Yes sir."

  "FIND THAT GERBIL!! NOW!!!!"

Fast Food

  Dr. Abby gets into his time machine. He'd finally managed to out-bargain the mutant 30rd century cavemen when they fell asleep.

  Meanwhile he'd becomed quite attached to the the petrified mutant 30rd century potato. It had become a permanent member in his trousers once he'd fashioned a stronger belt. The resultant bulge gave him that same feeling a puhleez awfulsir gets when they strap all that holster crap on.

  "When to?", says the cheezy sounding tin grill, in a thick Pakispanky cab driver accent.

  "The Year of Our Load, 1998", orders Dr. Abby like a man in a 7-11 loftily ordering a hotdog what's been rolling around on one of those weenie roller thingys for prolly like 6 months, only he don't know that, but the Pakispanky clerk does, and he smiles to hisself cause the superior attitude of a man who is, afterall, in a 7-11 of all places - ordering a near petrified weener is ironic - no?

  "Would you like mustard on that?", aks the time machine.

Scared Sinceless

  Miss Lilleeann waits for a long time in the empty exhamination room. You know how they always make you think the Dr. will see you and bring you back to sit in solitary confinement? She reflects on her fears - her fears of the future, her fear of giant mutated grasshoppers, her fear that even the doctor will scare the hell outta her.

  After a few hours she shrieks, "NURSE! NURSE!" The nurse comes nearly insteadly. "Exactly WHEN am I to see Dr. Abby?", she puts it to the nurse. "In the future", saids the now tensed nurse crypticallsomely. "Like 1000 years in the future!"

  "OH NO!!!", exclams Miss Lilleeann as she passes out.

Sweatin With The Oldies

  Special Forces Agentress Moon deFlower has an audience of the Vice Pope, His Holdiness Vice Pope Frank. As she removes her trenchcoat, revealing a set of firm though supple and inviting voluptuous and tantalizingly inviting legs she spreads it out for him.

  "Your Holdiness", she starts. "The entire future of the future lies in your hands." Pausing she adds, "I mean figuratively."

  "Oooops, sorry", saids the Vice Pope.

Doritter Gets A Faksimmery Tlansmission

  "I SEE STLANGE MAN IN JUNGKRE!!!", yells Hump the Dog as he runs into Ductile Doritter's hut.

  "AIY?!?!?! WOT STLANGE ABOUT MAN?!?!?!", aks the Ductile.

  "HIM BABBRE ROTS AND ROOKS VELY DANGELOUS!!!!"

  "WHY HIM ROOK DANGELOUS?!?!?!", acks Dip-Dip the duck.

  "HIS PANTS ARL ROADED!!!!", whimpers Hump, who desides to find a place to hide.

  "I WONDEL WOT HE WANT?!?!?!", enderjectss Doo-Doo the gerbil.

  "HMMMMMMMMMMM", thinks Ductile Doritter as he watches Hump the dog crawl under the couch. "HUMP!!!! U RIKE HOTDOGS?!?!?!?!?!"

  Suddenly the faks machine starts to efaxulate.

  "DOO-DOO - U GET FAKS!!!!!", oldels Doritter.

  Doo-Doo retrieves the faks and gives it to Dip-Dip, who reads the faks to the Ductile.

  "WOT THE FAK?!?!?!?!", yells Doritter, so Dip-Dip reads it again.

Dr. Abby Scares The Hell Outta Peeple

  Mio sits in solitary confinement, having been called out of the reception area by a lure of "the Doctor will see you now, just have a seat he'll be ashort longly". He'd been there perhaps 2 hours when he hears a woman moaning, "NURSE! NURSE!" in the next room. He almost gets an erection at the thought of almost getting an erection.

  "The doctor won't be able to get you up today, I'm afraid", saids the receptacleness who like everyone else is afraid of Dr. Abby.

  "I was afraid of that", agrees Mio.

Marraysian Frea Malket

  Dr. Abby is inside Ductile Doritter's hut. Once again he has failed to understand the native dialick, and so takes his stand as the great swivilized white man dancing atop a table waving beeds and baubles about. "YOU WANT SHINE-EEE BEEEDS - U GIMMIE MUTANT CAVEMAN FROM 30RD CENTUR-EEEE", he leaps.

  Doritter: "WOT THIS MOOTAT CAVEMAN?!?!?!"

  Dip-Dip: "HE THAT HAILY GOAT MAN IN JUNGKRE!!!!!"

  Hump: "U WANT MAI SNIFF HIS OUT?!?!?!"

  Doo-Doo: "WOT THAT BURGE IN WITE MAN'S PANTS?!?!?!"

  Doritter: "U!!!! MAN ON TABRE!!!! U GOT WOT IN YOUL PANTS?!?!?!"

  At the point Dr. Abby, allblibious to the exchange notices Doritter pointing at his (Dr. Abby's) trowelzirs. "Ahh", he thinks. "They want my potato!" And so thinking reaches his hand down his pants to retrieve the hardened spessymin.

  Hump runs.

  The petrified mutant potato from the 30rd century is too large to pull thru, so Dr. Abby is forced to drop his trousers on the table.

  "HAIHAIHAIHAIHAIHAIHAI!!!!!!", laffs everybody at Dr. Abby's low-fat hotdog.

  Suddenly Dip-Dip has an idea. He whispers to Ductile Doritter, "HUMP GO CATCH MOOTINT CAVMAN - U TLADE CAVMAN FOL THAT LOCK!!!"

  To make a long story short is too late, but anyways Hump does capture the mutant caveman from the 30rd century (who he finds carrying off the only woman in Marraysia), and Dr. Abby gladly exchanges his mutant potato for the mutant caveman, without concern that the caveman would never be able to get into his pants like the potato.

  "ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!", yells Menge as the net drops over his, his extrascentsery perspiration having led Hump to him.

  Dr. Abby returns to his time machine with Menge and deturns to the 30rd century.

On The Road Again

  "TAXI!", yells Dr. Tonks, waving a street-vended weener, splattering a nearlyby with relish.

Picking Up Fake Doo-Doo

  The Directless of the CIA steps out of the chopper what has landed beside Ductile Doritters hut, followed by two CIA agents.

  "Ductile Doritter I presume?", presumes the Directless.

  "U CUM FOL DOO-DOO?!?!?!?!", plesumes Doritter.

  "That is correct", saids the Directless forcepsfully as the burly Agents (#1 and #2) advance toward the hut.

  "HELE! HELE! MAI HAV DOO-DOO IN BAG!!!"

  So Doo-Doo is scooped up and the three men in black zip away in their chopper.

Weeners in the Senate

WE NOW JOIN A SENATE HEARING IN PROGRESS WHERE OSCAR MYNER, FOUNDER OF OSCAR-MYNER PORK PRODUCTS IS TESTESFYING ABOUT HIS ROLL IN WHAT HAS COME TO BE CALLED 'WEENIE-GATE'.

  SEN. SNATCH: So, despite your statements in the past, your company HAS known about the addictive properties of fat for years - is that correct?

  OM: Yes.

  SEN. SNATCH: And this document proves that executives at OSCAR-MYNER purposely added fat to their weeners - known to insiders as "plumping" - exposing one-time weener-eaters to immeatyate addiction. Is that correct?

  OM: Yes.

  SEN. SNATCH: I'd like the record to show that I'm now taking a bite of OSCAR MYNER's weener.

  THE CHICK WHAT TAKES NOTES: Your bite has been entered into the record.

  SEN. SNATCH: Do you have any mustard?

  OM: Yes.

  SEN. 'SLIM-JIM' CANTDIDDY: I request that the honorable Senator from Utah refrain from playing with his weener during this masterdebate.

  Miss Lilleeann, watching the proseedings from the reception area, flips the remote only to find the senators coming on every channel.

HomosaysMio

  "Okay, Capt. Lyle", saids CIA agent #2 holding a loaded bag at arms length to the Captain's head. "We have yer precious Doo-Doo in this bag. Start talking."

  So Capt. Lyle spills his beans all over the place. "Okay, I was commodenearing a vessel known as the 'Load Lubber' last year..."

  "Didn't that ship sink recently?", enderupts #2.

  "Er.. yeah", admits the Captain. "Anyways, aboard that last voyage was a Jezusweat priest, and an impotent Italian who lives in Canada..."

  "Heard it", saids CIA agent #1. "I haven't", saids #2.

  "Well I overheard them discussing wimmin", he saids with a face that suggested the ingestion of bad tuna.

  "And?"

  "Well the priest was saying he wished he could get it on, but his vowels preclueded him. The Italian was saying he wished HE could get it on, but his peeny was as flacid as an overcooked spegetti noodle. The preast aks him if he's seen a doctor bout that. Well, saids the Italian - I have made appointments to see a weenie doctor, but he's never been there when I show up. What? said the preast - what kinda doctor is this? Where is he if he's not in his office keeping his appaintments? Oh, saids the Italian - he's off in the 30rd century or some shit with this time machine he invented."

  #1 looks at #2. "Bingo", they both say in CIA-ese. "The NAME Capt Lyle!", saids #1. "Or Doo-Doo gets flushed!", saids #2 knowingly.

  "MIO!"

The Wholey See

  "You see", the Vice Pope is telling spatial agent deFlowers', "just afore I became the Vice Pope I encountered a man in a boat..."

  "Great God In Heathen!", moans Moon. "You could be excuminated if that ever slipped out!"

  "Ooops, sorry", saids he closing his robe.

  Anyways. The information the Italian gave was delivered to the VIM (Vatican Information Mafioso), who took an interest in the possiblitiy of using the time machine to circumvent Armorgettin and Sicily. Failing to see past her tits, Vice Pope Frank doen't realize he's giving valuable intelligence information to the CIA, after the same said time machine.

An Executive Lunch

  "Pull in here", saids the Directless of the CIA loftily to the driver. Guido pulls into the 7-11. "I want a hotdog afore we get check in", explains the Directless getting out the car.

  "Of course... SIR", mudders Guido scarnastically as he watches the Directless go into the 7-11.

  Directless: I want a hotdog to go, and I want it fast! Chop chop!

  Clerk: When too?

  Directless: huh?

  Clerk: I mean... Would you like mustard on that?

  Captain Lyle, alone in the hold aboard his new vessel "The Thigh Master", rubs his hands together with gleem. "Time to let Doo-Doo out the bag!", he exhales.

  "What the HELL?!?!?!?", he yells when he opens the bag and finds the mutant potato from the 30rd century. In anger he heaves the fake Doo-Doo against the bulkhead, making a hole. Water begins rushing in. "Homosaysweregoindown!", saids Captain Lyle onced again.

  Ductile holds his precious Doo-Doo in his hands and coos, "I NEVEL RET MAI DOO-DOO GO!!!!!!"

  Menge won't get out the time machine no matter how hard Dr. Abby pushes. He (Dr. Abby) reaches over to the time machine's self-serve counter, and fetching a hotdog, tosses it outside.

  "AAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!", yells Menge the mutant caveman as he rushes back into the 30rd century.

  "Take me back to my office!", he orders the Pakispanky.

IN RESPONSE TO PAKISPANKY AGGRESSION, THE PRIMED MINISTEER OF ENDIA ANNOUNCED TODAY THEY WILL BE TESTING A 5000 OXPOWER ENGINED TAXICAB/HOTDOG VENDING AND DELIVERY SYSTEM IN NEW DELLY.

  "Wanna see a bald-headed mouse?", snickers Vice Pope Frank.

  "I'm sorry sir", saids the doorman to Dr. Bonk. "You can't bring that hotdog inside. This is a no-fat building."

  Dr. Bonk shrugs, and being most flexible, throws his weener over his shoulder before going in.

THIS JUST IN. A SEX THERAPIST/TIME MACHINE INVENTOR NAMED DR. ABBY WHAT SCARES THE HELL OUTTA PEEPLE HAS DEMONSTARTED THAT MUSTARD PLASTERS ARE MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VIAGRA FOR STEMULATING THE MALE PENIS.

  "This shit burns like hell!", moans Mio.

  "I wish I was clairbouyant...", saids Nad as he scratches his (Nads) balls. "Then I could see all kinds shit floating around the universes."