by Bob Grubb

This thrivingless subcontentint of New Zeelint, commonly thought of as Austriala, was a big place. It still is when Nad arrives, though not without Alps. Peeple absently mill aboust the airport, lustily throwing down hearty portions of vegemite burritos loaded with kiwifruit salsa.

"So this is down under", sos Nad watching where he steps.

"No,", saids the strange man in pants, "this is just where we start our jurney to down under!"

"Huh?", ?s Nad. "Where is it what we are going now that I have goinged all the way here?"

"One question at a time", saids the man.

"Huh?", ?s Nad.

"If you don't mind oI'll answer yer second question concerning why you are here and what this whole thing is about."

"What was my second question?", ?s Nad.

The man in pants brushes by Nad's next so as to answer his last (before the repeated first).

"Roiyt now mite, ahem... Nad,", he nads, "you're here to be a part of the team what will make a historkic Voyeurage to the Bottom of the See!"

"Oh", saids Nad.

The Big Plan

The man in pants is splainin shit to the others.

"First of all, aloud me to introdues myselves. My name is Jefree deVurst. Though oI'm a sitizin of Austriala, oI'm freshly immigrated from a Dutch settlement in Poland, where I was sentinsed to life in Austriala for crimes against the Department of We Know What's Best For You. I've been told many times that I bear an enourmous resimplelents to Captain Kangarooo... I just wanted to clear that up front... with you others... well then."

"Shortsly after moi arrivalagement here oI happent to encounter a theretofor undiscovert tribe of unusually taull Abhouridgedknees. They tole me a strange tale aboust how their incestors migrated here a gazillioun years ago when their native land, what they called Lemuria, sanked beneath the oceaun."

"The purpose of this mission is to go way down inside the oceaun and see if Lemuria is still there, as oI suspeculate it is. Recently it was theourized that its exact location is all the way at the bottom. Allow me to show you moi plaun."

"Now let moi introdues h of yous to h other's."

"For those of you who do not know, this is Captain Lyle, an illusterless pirate with a long history of going downunderagements. As such he is enemantly qualified to commodere a submarine what will drop from the coast of Austrialah."

"But can he get it up?", aks Nad.

"You don't want to know", saids the man in pants.

"Speekin of not being able to get it up... Mio Myo, the impotent though Italian gazilliounaire will be along, acause it's his submarine."

Mio rises to bow, sending Captain Lyle into his (Captain Lyle's) trowelzers to fetch forth breath mints.

"As this *is* an eksploration effort, Petey 'Mac' Kneelybob will be along to handle any action scenes, etc."

Petey raises his hand.

"Yes Petey?"

"This aint gonna be like the time we went to the center of the werld and I got stuck down there fer like a year, eh?"

"I doubt you'd be able to hold yer breath that long."

"Finely, Nad will be along acause without him it would be hard to have this story, and acause he speeks flewin Lemurian of course."

Nad raises his hand.

"I was hopin there'd be a gratuitush chick alongst...", saids Nad glancing askance at Captain Lyle's askanceagements.

"We don't need no steenkin wimmins!", !s Captain Lyle.

"As it turns out there will be NO wimmins on this voyeurage", saids deVurst in pants. "Be they 'steenkin' or naught, Captain Lyle. 'Fare damsel! Thye tender morsel spread be and fore me! Begone this ungodly nose of mine! Damn thee to a hell in pants!'"

"Who the eh said that? Shakesbeer?", aks Petey, always ready for action.

"No, I don't drink Inglish beer, thank you", replys Jefree in that irritating way Austrialanese men compensate for their well-known statistically exstrappedulated dullmenuative peeny size, well below average - well below even migrant Cranadrian sheep hurters in Idowa, "but getting back to our mission... THERE WILL BE *NO* WIMMIN on this maiden mission of Mio's submarine as she (the submarine) goes down with 4 guys down deep, inside her. Oh and she's bound to be wet..."

"That sucks", saids Nad, snapping deVurst out of whatever revelry he had goin on in his head. Everyone but Captain Lyle agrees (about the sucking part)(I mean the part about there being no wimmins, cause that sucks - k?).

What Happent after Chapter 1

Captain Lyle is re-splaining shit to Nad.

"See? It's just like when we went to Mars only the exact opposite", he spews all over.

"PREPARE FOR LIFT-DOWN", comes Petey the count up guy all over the PA system. "Batten the hatches!", orders Captain Lyle, incredulous that he would ever have to utter such an order, but conforming to the reversagement of the situation. "1 2 3 4 5", Petey PAs to the crewed members, "6 7 8 9 10!"

"We're goin down!", anowses Captain Lyle to Petey on purpose.

"HOMOSAYSWE'REGOINDOWN!", relays Petey to the others.

Farther Down Under

The jurney is at last underway. In fact, it is underwater. Captain Lyle busys hisself keeping the submarine sinking. Petey lunges aboust to and fro very action-like as he eksplores the vessel, irritating the hell outta Mio who is studying semenship but not making any progress. Jefree deVurst, staying behind on dry land, keeps sirveilins on his trowelzers.

Nad looks out the window as the water submarianates the vessel of which he is in lookin out the window of. "No wimmins...", he is thinkeding, "this sucks. It's like all of us down under are prisoners or some shit like that."

*deeplump* saids the sonar thingy like they do in movies about bein inside a submarine.

Bored through one side and out the other of his mind, Nad asides to take a nap.

Due to the crampsome courters, Nad had been assinged to dubble up with Captain Lyle by Captain Lyle. "No way", Nad had thinked. He sat about finding a less demandsome bunk. Eventually he found an empty torpedo tube which he could crawl into, large enough for him, but too small for anyone else to fit in with him. Nonetheleast, he told noone of his hideaway, especially Captain Lyle.

A Man's Man Overbored

*deeplump*

"You seen Nad?", Captain Lyle aks Petey grumpsomely.

"No", saids Petey, studying the way Captain Lyle's eyes dart aboust the way drivers of 18 wheelers get when they haven't slept in like a week or some shit, and they be poppin those speedballs and thinkin everyone is out to steal their cheeseburgers.

"Where the hell is Nad?", demands Captain Lyle of Mio, as he (Captain Lyle) rolls his balls around in his hand.

"I dunno", saids Mio struck by the oddness of the ball rollagements.

Captain Lyle is getting grouchier by the moment. He orders to Mio find something to hoist. Next, he orders Petey to to swab the duck. Then he sets off to find Nad so he can make him (Nad) do stuff too.

Mootiny on the Dunny

*deeplump*

Petey and Mio are in the can (side by side stalls) discussing the shituation.

"Captain Blyle is ummm - becoming unrationedall", states Mio limply.

"We may has to mootiny, eh!", hopes Petey wanting to be in charge of a major action scene like throwing Captain Lyle underboard off the top of the sub.

"Can we get in trubble fer that kinda shit?", wonders Mio.

"Prolly", saids Petey, "they'd imprison us to a lifetime of Austriala, but what the eh..."

"Then let's not", suggests Mio nearly firmly.

"Ok eh", saids Petey, emphaseemasizing his agreeagement with a fierce and action-filled swab.

*deeplump*

Molluskagements

"I think... we has company...", saids Petey peering at the sonar screen.

*DEEPLUNK* confirms the sonaragement.

"What IS it?", aks Captain Lyle, still upset he's been unable to locate Nad who, unbeknownst to his, is still aslept in the torpedo tube.

"It's a... GIANT SKWID!", unbelts Mio from the window.

"BATTLESTATIONS!", orders Captain Lyle as he gets into his trowelzers.

Petey gets ready for action (cause he's the action-figure guy). First, he puts that black crap under his eyes, then he rips off his kacky shirt and wraps it aboust his head. Next he straps on a big belt with like 20 gernades and huge guns and a rocket launcher danglying off it. Next his trowelzers fall down.

"IT'S SEEN US!", yelts Mio at the top of his neck.

Indeed, outside the submarine is a huge eyeball and it's lookin thru the window at Mio the way Austrialans are drawn like moths to peepin thru lil holes they drill into the ladies dressing rooms to view little more than cellulite.

"MAN THE TORPEDOS!", orders Captain Lyle who likes that phrase a lot.

"What the hell does that actually mean?", aks Mio.

"It MEANS we're gonna SHOOT A TORPEDO AT THE SKWID!"

"Oh", saids Mio.

Fast Orders

*deeplump*

Meanwhilst Nad, aslept in same said torpedo tube is having a pleasant dream about being reborned in reverse, and then becoming a french fry technician for a very upscale Fried Rats Asshole Rings and Nothing but Fried Rat's Asshole Rings frenchise and werkin the drive-thru window...

*deeplump*

"LOCK SITES ON TARGET!", orders Captain Lyle like a guy driving an 18 wheeler thru a fast food drive thru orders a cheeseburger downwardsomely.

"Would you like mustard on that?", thinkeds Petey - but instead he saids "I HAS THE TARGET IN SITE AND LOCKED."

"PREPARE TO FIRE!", orders Captain Lyle like a guy driving an 18 wheeler who, having just ordered a cheeseburger and is about to pull up to the second window, suddenly desides he wants to add an order of fries... the jumbo sized ones - not them lil skimpy bags with the burnt up ends.

Petey makes all kinds of action scene movements as he shouts into his end of the tube, "PREPARING TO FIRE!"

The camera shifts to a close up of Mio sitting at the window.

*deeplump*

His (Mio's) face is asweat with tension as all 3 inches of his life pass afore his eyes.

*deeplump*

"AND GIMMIE THE BIGGEST SHAKE YOU GOT!", orders Captain Lyle.

Mio passes out from stress.

"Eh?", ?s Petey.

"FIRE DAMMIT!"

"Please pull up to the second window", acknowledges Petey as he lunches the torpedo.

Nad's Lunch

Suddenly the second window where Nad is dreaming opens, sucking Nad out into the murky depths of the murky depths, and Nad awakes suddenly underwater - deep within the crutches of a giant octylpuss!

For a few short though seemingly inless seconds Nad straggles to free hisselves of the octylpuss's' graps. Suddenly he remembers two things. One, to hold his breath, and two, that earlier he'd stored a peanut butter and jelly sammich inside his groincloth for lunch. Thinking even quicker than not, Nad retrieves the sammich and shoves it into the ocktalpushes gayping mouths.

"Mmmmmmmm", saids the octylpus in Lemurian.

"You speek Lemurian?", aks Nad in Lemurian.

"Uh huh", saids the octylpus. "Everybody does where I come from."

"Where do you come from?", aks Nad.

"The bottom of the sea", saids the octylpus. "Come, I'll show you."

And so saying (in Lemurian) the octylpus, what turnt out to be just another friednly creature - merely curious of the oversea invaders but made hungry by their ship ninththeless (most unskwidlike), swims with Nad in tow to the bottom of the sea.

Nad holds his breath with antispacestation and undrownedlys.

Back On The Submarine

"I think you got him!", !s Mio as he watches the skwid go down.

Petey beams with satisfaction at an action scene medium well done, with no ketchup.

Mio holds the pickle.

"I'm freekin hungry fer meat!", eckslames Captain Lyle, scaring the hell outta everybody. "Where the hell is Nad?"

"I dunno!", say Mio and Petey in as much eunochsomes as they can mustard.

The Octylpussy's Garden

Nad's is being spoked to by the nekid ruler of Lemuria, Queen Barbie 1, who is damp with passion and sea water.

"Nad, ye are most welcome to my down underwater queendom. Long ago our male population dwindled... from shrinkage. Since then we has sought out a male to repopulaid our ravinous and always damp honey pots. I ask, nay - plead! that ye stay, and beastow thye service upin every nekid bi-sextile woman in the hole of Lemuria, lest we parish from undamable wantagements!"

"k", agreeds Nad elowqwently.

It's desided that Nad will service the nekid wet wimmins in pairs, and that if the wimmins wanna fool around with each other's meanwhiley that's ok, a proppedpositition what Nad polelightly refuses to refuse.

Filler!

Meanwhile, as Nad is having more groantwoachicks sex than a subpeenied president, not a whole lot is going on in the submarine.

*deeplump*

"Have you located Nad yet?", aks Jefree deVurst from above.

"No", spits Captain Lyle from below.

"Ohhhh", saids deVurst.

I'll Do Strange Animals For $100, Alex

Meanwhile, as Captain Lyle and the man in pants plan their next move, Petey and Mio are playing Trivial Pursesuit as they sit side by side in separate stalls in the ship's bulk head.

*deeplump*

"The category is Geography, eh", states Petey. "Where is one likely to find marsupials?"

"I know this one...", starts Mio. "In Ductile Lached Doritter's bed!"

"Damn!", saids Petey.

Nowhere to go but Up

"There sure are a lot of wet wimmins under the ocean", thinkeds Nad as he services the last pair of pairs.

"Nad, we can never repay ye", coos Queen Barbie 1 as her breasts bouyants about floatsomely. "Go! Return now, thye rod and thye goincloth. Rise up once more! LIFT thyeselves! Gawdspeed thye return to thye werld above, as soon yer gonna run outta breath and stuff."

Nad Returns

"BATTLESTATIONS!", yells Mio as he peers out the window.

"What NOW?", aks Captain Lyle.

"It's that freekin skwid again!", answers Mio.

"Wait!", yells Petey as he confirms Mio's alleged firm. "Look! It's got Nad! Eh!"

Sure enough there was Nad in the crutches of a giant upwardly mobile ocktalpuss!

"HOLD YER FIRE AND STUFF!", orders Captain Lyle like a guy in an 18 wheeler who, having just downed 18 cheeseburgers, a gaggle of fries, and a 55 gallon drum of cola, is stuck not only in traffic, but also between the steering wheel and the seat, waiting in line for the toll booth ahead, and trying to fetch 3 quarters from a pocket he knows he has down under somewheres.

So they open a door and let him (Nad) back in.

Trubbled by a lack of directions (and arrows), Mio is unable to get it up, so - despite a severe lack of experience, Captain Lyle somehow manages to navelgrate, the now submerged, vessel, back up, to the down under (that is less down under than the down under they were in till they unsubmerged their vessel).

Nad Returns

Nad has just finished telling the signintits of Austriala, gathered in a native quaint known to locals as The Outback Shakehouse, 'Where Shakesbeer is Always on Tap', about his strange adventure in the lost land of Lemuria after he and the crew (and the submarine) has returned to down under from even more down under.

"Tell us again about the Queen's floatagments", moans the researchful Jefree deVurst.

"We've heard that like a gazillion times now", grumples Captain Lyle, angered that this de-briefing is not at all what he expected, and his irritation at not being able to locate cheeseburgers in freekin Inglish on the menu.

"Captain Lyle!", explodes Jefree, "This is RESEARCH! We may need to go meet these wet wimmins ourselves to verify Nad's claimage."

"deVurst, that could happen... is that what yer saying?", answers Captain Lyle.

"HEY! What happent to Petey?", hollars Mio without warning. "And where the hell is my submarine?"

Everyone looks successlessly.

"Dammit!", !s Petey who was left behind by the others in their hurry to get ashore afore he woked up and freekin reeleyesed those three motherduckers had left him behindsome, is now inside the submarine what is submarined on the bottom of the ocean nowhere near Lemuria, and outta gas, though with a werking radio. "I shoulda known this would happen, eh."

Suddenly a guy comes all over the radio. "HAI!!!! HAI!!!! CARREENG ARR SHEEPS! I NEED SHEEP CUM NOW! I HAS MINNEE MINNEE FAT PEEGS TO TANSPOLT!!! IF U HAS SHEEP U CUM!!! I GIVE U PEEG!!!"

"Lord love a duck - them freekin Mars-asians...", mispronouns Petey (in a way what would later seem to be a profetiscal and relephant thing to signifixantly say, given the plot of an upcoming Nadventure), as he discovers the Wal-Mars 'Housebrand CROCK LADIO for Submarines' radio werks so well he can't turn it off.