I'm over at a friend's house, Ali Dente's her name,
cause she invited me and some other peeple over fer dinner,
and we're having a pretty good time in spite of her dumbo cat
what keeps rubbing everyone's legs and wailing like a banshee
that hasn't seen Mr. Stiffy in like 15 years or some shit,
and it's so freekin horny I guess it can't tell the difference atween a leg and a weeny,
so at first everyone is kinda - ok - I don't hear, see, or feel that
me, I just you know, fake a sneeze and kick my leg in someone else's direction,
but after a while it's like
ok I *know* this Led Zepplin album we be lissening to,
and they don't scream like *that*,
so finally Ali has to stop acting like this cat rubbing it's tail all over peeple's shoes
is just being friendly,
specially after this guy Tim starts bitchin
bout how he can't even freekin walk cause his flip flops are too slippery
so then Ali says real serious like - "ok... I can fix this cat",
and we're like "hadn't you better let a vet do that?"
only it turns out that isn't what she means,
cause next thing you know she's got this uncooked spaghetti noodle
and she's... well, in more polite circles we say
"doin the uptown swing" to the cat with it,
and the cat's like oh my gawd I love this
cause I guess cats can't ell the difference atween a spaghetti noodle and a weeny either
course by now we has long since assumed
*this* cat don't know the difference atween a freekin chair leg and a weeny,
and I look around and everyone's got this look on their face like
"what the hell is she doin to the cat"
and "I'm not actually seeing her do this to that cat" and
"no wonder this cat don't know the difference atween a galledammed chair leg and a weeny"
but no one's gonna say anything cause - well - it's bad enough
watching a cat have at it on a spaghetti noodle
without talking about it too
and the cat's wailing and shakin
and after a while the noodle gets all droopy
so Ali grabs *another one* out the box and she's telling us
"you see - if you just get them off, they'll shut up"
and well, at this point
no one wants to lissen to this cat beg for a freekin love stick anymore,
so what the hell, we gather round to watch the cat get some Italian in her
whilst we down a few brewskis
so there's Ali showin the cat a good time, but the cat must need it way bad -
cause a half a freekin box of spaghetti noodles later it's still wailin,
and wigglin, and havin tails spasms,
then Ali starts whinin about her arm starting to get tired,
so she aks Mary Lou if she'd like to fill in,
you know - take over packin the cat with goodness for her,
and Mary Lou's like well - I would you know but I have a headache -
so she looks around to see if anyone will volenteer, and no one does,
when suddenly the cat makes this real weerd sound and falls over shuddering...
so everyone's glad to have *that* done with,
but more than just a tad disgusted by the solution,
so we lissen to some more music and avoid talking about that whole cat thing,
cause experiencing a cat wailing and carrying on and on
while it's gettin a "doin" with a spaghetti noodle is prolly right up there
with being in a crowded elevator when someone lets go of a paint peeler
just as the damn thing stops between floors for everyone concerned
then Ali she says dinner's ready
so we go in to sit down and she brings out - spaghetti
and now that's the last thing anyone there
wants to sit down to right then
but no one wants to say so
cause that would be rude and improper
(like shaggin a cat with a freekin spaghetti noodle)
so, we're loadin our plates with noodles
and pouring spaghetti sauce over them in hushed tones
when suddenly there's all this meowing and shit
and scratching on the windows
and from where I'm sittin I can see out the windows
and can see a bunch of cats
trying to get in, and I figger at firsts it's like maybe 10 cats
but the scratching and the wailing get louder and louder
and I look out the window again and there's thousands of them
swarming the house, and well - you can draw yer own conclusions
but me, I figger ok, Ali's running some sorta female feline climaxial clinic here
and now there's swarms of local female cats attracted to spaghetti
and now the cats - there's now, hell I dunno, a freekin gazillion of em
are pushing on every door and window in the place
all the while scratchin and wailin and writhin their hot twisted bodies
into the kinds of contortions you only see on the internet
and you can hear the noises of hinges strainin only hell
that mighta just been a few zombie cats in heat
placing an order for more spaghetti for all I know
and now everyone seated at the table is screaming and cryin
and arming themselves with the first thing they can reach - forks
when just then one of the windows breaks and cats start streaming in
all thick like, just like them tribbles in Star Trek
essept with a lot more writhing
and this one chick, Amy, faints and falls to the floor
and all these cats start writhing all over her
and there's spilt spaghetti sauce all over
then this one big cat, all squirmy and with froth around the mouth
jumps up on the table, and moaning and skreechin sits her twisty ass down
right smack dab in the middle of my plate and starts grinding my spaghetti...
so I'm like - ok - rude or not I aint gonna eat that
so whilst Muffins is soakin her ass in my sauce
I get up and tap my glass with my weapon for attention
like I has seen them do when they want to make toast in a movie
and everyone gets real quiet
only you can't tell cause all these freekin cats are wailing
"PUT A LITTLE SUGAR IN ME BABY!" in cat langwich
so I raise my voice and aks
"OK IS IT JUST ME OR IS THIS JUST A BIT STRANGE?"
and Ali's all "What? Is the sauce not to yer liking?" and I'm like
"HOW THE HELL WOULD I KNOW ACAUSE THERE'S A GALLEDAMMED CAT SITTIN ITS HINDEY PARTS ATOP MY FREEKIN SERVING SUGGESTION!"
and she laughs - like no big deal - and says "Just eat around the edges"
so then Chuck and Mary Lou claim they left the iron on at home
and leave to take care of that
Tim and Jenny claim Tim's beeper went off so they has to go
(no one questions this - acause a freekin bomb could go off and still
all you'd hear would be a gazillion horny cats begging fer a noodle job)
and then Steve and Amy say they has to go home too
since the cats knocked their plates onto their laps
and they is all covered in spaghetti from the waist down
and besides, there's a gazillion slimey cats humping them
so everyone leaves and it's just me and Ali and a galledammzillion cats
and she says, "What am I gonna do with all this spaghetti no one touched?"
and I'm thinking like - no one touched?
I aint never seen *this* much spaghetti touching in all my freeking life
but instead I just mumble "I dunno" - and she says "WHAT?"
cause no way can she hear my mumblin
so I scream "YOU DON'T HAVE ANY DAWGS DO YOU?"
cause I'm just about to go over the edge, and she says no - no dawgs
and I'm like way okay with that; when she says "But I USED to have dogs"
and I ignore that, cause I'm trying to think of a diplomatic way to leave
like diplomacy is called for when yer trying to get away from some chick
practicing artificial insemolination on starch-deficient cats in heat
so I yell over the wailin and moanin - and slurpy noises
"YER FREEKIN DOIN CATS! A GALLEDAMMEDGALLEDAMZZZILLION FREEKIN CATS ARE IN HERE - HUMPIN OUR FREEKIN LEGS - WALLOWING IN SPAGHETTI - LIKE IT"S SOME FREEKIN KIND OF ITALIAN SPA FOR NYMPHOMANINOID CATS WITH HYPERACTIVE YEAST INFLECTIONS"
and she says "WHAT?" so just then I glance out the window
and there's Steve and Amy layin face down in the driveway
covered in writhsome, wailin, humpin - ass-slidin cats in heat
and I'm wonderin if maybe we should straighten out some of these noodles
and let them start dryin out, you know - fer protection
so at that point I figger hell
if it's gotten bad enough that I'm considerin "doin" more than one cat
I'm callin the cops, so I dial 911 and report the incident
and the 911-lady says
"a galleddammedgodzillion cats in heat, using spaghetti for obscene purposes is a matter for Animal Control"
so I call them and I'm like
"THERE'S A FREEKIN GALLEDAMMEDSPITSTILLIONGAZILLION FREEKIN CATS IN HERE - RUBBIN THE WERST PARTS OF THEIR BODIES ALL OVER MY FREEKIN LEGS! AND -"
and I look over and see the cats have wrassled Ali to the ground
and she's tryin to fend them off - with limp noodles
only that's just making them crazier
"YOU'D BEST BRING THOSE SPIRAL NOODLES!"
I yell at the phone just before the mass of cats cut the line
and then all megazilliongazillion of them, all at the same time
make this triumphant wailing
like "WE'RE GONNA BE DOIN THE OL NOODLE-RONI SOON!"
and the lights begin to flicker - and then I scream and fall outta bed
it was a horrible nightmare...
and that's how I spraint my ankle Boss
so... it don't look like I'll be making it in to werk today.
