How Aloha Can You Go?

I know I got this dayam flu at WalMars
two days ago standin in line
behind them lil kids
with snibblish noses licking the conveyor belt
and the clerk sneezing all over my freekin debit card...

and what the hell do you say in that situation
when they hands you back yer debit card
ya wanna say
"oh, just keep my card cause now,
cause it's got yer freekin snot all over it"
but you don't
cause you just wanna get the hell outta that place...

so I'm on the phone with my girlfriend
and though we've never met face to face
we has deep telephonic feelins for one another
and I expect our relationship will grow with time
Until one day we might actually get married over the phone...

so I'm like "what aren't you wearin?"
and she's says "you sounds like ya has a sore throat, do you?"
but the last thing I wants to hear right now
is the ya-needs-to-take-better-care-of-yerself talk
so I tells her no, it must be a scratchy connection...

so she's all ok then
and she's tellin me she's all settled into Hawaii
and oh she saw a mongoose
and was surprised they lived there
but akst around and found out
that the place is litterally crawlin with mongeese...

and I'm like "uh... do you know what mongeese eat"
and she says "pineapples?"
so I tells her no, Darlin
they eat cobras
and they don't care what end they start from
in fact, they're mortal enemies
locked in a gazillion year battle
of evolution - eternal combat
being the only thing
what they share
and I point out to her
that's why they say
where there are mongeese
there go the freekin cobras...

so then she's all
"how many cobras do you think might be free rangin all over Hawaii?"...

let's assume a mongoose can eat one cobra per week
to stay on the conservative side
that's 52 cobras a year for each and every mongoose
and then allowing for ecological common sense
figger on having a 30 year supply on hand
enough cobras to feed every freekin mongoose in Hawaii
52 cobras at any given moment
except they has to wait a week
before they go back for seconds...

so that's gotta be well over a gazillion cobras and I aint gonna go into how many cobras there are per square foot in Hawaii but I'd sure as hell invest in some of them spiked golf shoes...

and that's when I remember she's all skeered of snakes so I'm thinking (but I aint gonna say it out loud) so the place is crawlin with cobras what the hell does she expect she's livin in Hawfreekinwhyee fer cripes shake

well I can't stand to hear wimmin cry
so I tells her
look you hasn't actually seen any cobras
so chances are what you saw wasn't a mongoose
maybe it was just some sorta
weerd Hawaiiianese prairie dawg or something
and they don't care fer cobras at all
they prolly only eat them foot long cockroaches
that infest Hawaii cause there aint enough cobras
to keep their cockroach problem under some kinda control...

so she's all indingenint then
and it's just one of those times
where you can't seem to say
the right thing to a woman
cause they're all "how could you say that"
and yer like "what"
and they go "well if you don't know I aint gonna tell you"
and I'm thinking good grief
it aint like I'm responsible
for Hawaii's freekin cockroach problem...

so I'm all fired up now
with wantin-to-responditis
but holdin it in
and that starts me coughing and sneezing and snibblin
and she's aksin me if I'm sick
so I tells her yeah, I has a cold
cause that lecture is prolly shorter than the flu one...

and she's like "are you drinkin a lot of fluids"
and I'm like "yeah, I drinks about 16 cups of coffee a day ya know"
and she's all "coffee! that's not fluids! - ya needs to drink WATER"
so I try to reason with her
bout how coffee is approximeltly 99.99freekin99 percent water...

but no, she's made up her mind
so she's all "coffee is a diyeretic
and it'll dehydrate yer ass
cause you'll just pee all that fluid out"...

you know maybe it's just me
but I pee a lot when I drink a lotta water too
so I guess water's one of them diyeretics
and so there prolly a'i'n't really
any valid fluid on the planet when it comes right down to it
and I tells her so...

but she just claims (failing all else)
that I'm impossibole
so that's the point I know
it's ok to put the phone down
cause she'll never know I'm not lissenin
in fact, the way she goes on and on
suggests she don't believe I'm lissenin anyways...

so I sets her down gently on the end table and head out to the kitchen to make a pot o' java and whilst I'm givin Mr. Coffee something to get hot about I can hear her yakin aways all the way out there only I can't make out what she's goin on about

I goes back to my armedchair then
pick up the phone and say "k"
so now she's on a roll
cause I'm all "k"
so I sets the phone down again nice and easy
knowin I has like 5 minutes or so of disposable incoming...

I won't tell her but I'm feeling sicker than hell
and I'm goin thru my medicine cabinet eein what I has
and it's like empty except for a sock
and a big bottle of pills the vet gave me
to give one of my ginny pigs
when it suffered clinical depression
which is another whole long story I won't go into...

except to say that it was ironic
that lil Chester did get better
and regained his youthful pomp and circumsdances
only to have his werld turnt upside down all over again
when he died of Toxic Pellet Syndrones...

so who knows maybe theisel knock out
the flu I'm admittin to havin now
I'm readin the label and it says
"TWO TABLETS PER PIG PER DAY..."
and I prolly weigh about as much as I dunno
maybe 1000 ginny pigs
so that'd be like 2000 tablets to me
"TO BE GIVEN RECTALLY AFTER MEALS"
well I sure as hell aint gonna stick em up my ass...

and there's another label - this one's red
WARNING: THIS MEDICATION MAY CAUSE RESTLESSNESS, DISORIENTATION,
LOSS OF FEELING BELOW THE NECK, FLATULENCE, PARANOIA, MEMORY LOSS,
ETC. DO NOT MIX WITH ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES OR CEDAR. DO NOT LET YOUR
GINNY PIG OPERATE HEAVY EQUIPMENT. IF ANY OF THESE SYMPTOMS BECOME
BOTHERSOME, CALL YOUR VETANARNIAN CAUSE WE ALREADY TOLE YOU
EVERYTHING WE KNOW WHICH IS WHAT THEY TELL US TO SAY ON THESE KINDSA
LABELS.

well there's a lot of tablets in there
and despite the accuracy of my calcalations
no way am I gonna count out 2000 of em
so I just chugs the whole bottle down with a brew
and sit back to let my psyche out without any trowelzers on...

then I picks up the phone and say "k"
and she's all whipped up now
into some sorta frenzy
bout how Joe Dimaggio was Mr. Coffee
and look at him now
he's freekin dead
and I sets the phone down again
thinking she's gonna be on this topic fer quite a while...

and my coffee's done now and as I'm pouring a cup I'm thinkin she may have a point there about coffee being the demise of Joe Dimaggio cause Captain Lipton or whatever the hell he is has been around fer like a gazillion years...

and I picks up the phone
figgerin to tell her I might just switch to tea
only now she's goin on about how coffee has calfeen in it
and I'm "so, what's wrong with calfeen anyways"
and she's like "it'll kill you"
and I'm all "well that sucks - I'm switchin to tea"
and she says "tea has calfeen in it too!"...

well so much for Captain Bastard O. Lipton
ya think yer gonna be safe switchin to tea
only to find out tea has calfeen
and calfeen's killing peeples all around the world...

no that's not a discarded grocery bag on the street in London
that was a corporal in Captain Lipton's Tea Army
what died of dehydration
and no, that ain't a handwoven rug in a shop in Turkey
it's a freekin turkanese guy
what had one too many cups of coffee
and was dehydratified on the spot
but he was only used by an old lady on Sundays
what kept him well swept
and once a month
took him out back to beat him with a stick
and I can give you a deal...

and I pause in mid thought
and it occurs to me that my brain's thinking a lil weerd here
maybe I made this coffee too strong...

that's when I notice my throat's stopped hurting
hell, I can't feel a thing from the neck down
so I'm thinking maybe I'm gettin dehydrated
and I'm hopin to hell I aint gonna wind up
in some Turkanese Rugs R Us joint...

except only one of the ones what got the decalfeenated stuff so fer gawdsakes she says "if you MUST drink coffee drink the decalfeenated kind"... and I enderupt her and say "look Hon, I agree - no more calfeen for me but hell, now I can't even drink tea" and she's like "has you ever heard of water"

so there I am
kinda grapsin out for a solid piece of reality
cause when I can't even tell
if I'm wearing underwear or not
I'm two shits to the winds
as they say in more polite circles
when talkin bout the effects
of LEGAL ginny pig prescription drug use
and now she's aksin if I be listenin...

ya know
I can set the phone down and walk away to make a pot of coffee and a
sammich fer 5 or 10 minutes and she don't even knowt'ice
but just take a few gazillion ginny pig antidepressants
and - BAM - she's right there breathin down yer neck...

so I'm like "I'm sorry Darlin, it's this cold"
so she's all "you poor baby"
and if she were there she'd make me feel all better
and well if you'd just drink more water
real water
you wouldn't be sick at all prolly...

and ok she's hittin her stride now
so I'm just getting ready to set the phone down
and put on some ribs
cause hell I has all my bases covered now
if she notices I aint listening
and I don't answer the "are you listening" question
she'll have every reason to believe
I simply passed out from the fever
and/or died...

but then just as I'm setting the phone down
she says that loud skweely "GUESS WHAT?" thing
they do when they has had big news on their minds
the whole time
but they held it till after they gets done lecturin you for a couple
of hours...

I think wimmin don't actually consider it lecturin they thinks of it more as putting their man's interest foremost just another freekin part of the overall female mystery it does no good to try and solve chick mysteries though maybe one day I'll explore that issue in depth but I just don't wanna think about it right now cause at this moment I have simaltaneously - a cold and hell I dunno I guess you'd call it helloosedinations when yer watchin 25 identical tiny Joe Camels marching in formation around the coffee maker...

and now she's tellin me bout her new part time job
workin as a scales lerk in a Hawaiian Uniform Factory Outlet
and I'm like "what the hell does that mean?"
whilst shootin rubber bands
tryin to knock some Joe Camel offa my ceiling
cause I'm thinkin it must be
some kinda place hula girls and flame swallowers and conkshell blower guys and stuff get their official duds and gear...

and I point out that the mast vajority of so-called Hawaiianese crap is actually exported from Japan what gets the raw materials from maybe Malaysia and Spencer's and it's all assembled on Easter Island using the forced labor of the children of whatever primitive tribe makes them big head things and she says yeah prolly and tells me that the job begins after she completes 2 days of orientation the idea of orientation scares the willygajeeberz outta me now maybe they mean orientation in the way

Easter Island men peeing in the ocean were memoriablizied in stone but their weenies broke off a long time ago.

so this Hawaiianese music comes on
and then overtop of that
there's this guy talkin so close to the mic
you can hear the saliva gushin out from under his tongue...

"YOUR MAIN FUNCTION IN LIFE (part-time)
IS TO CLOTHE WHAT WOULD BE NEKID HAWAIIANESERS
WHAT WOULD BE ALL NEKID
UNLESS YOU GOT THEM INTO GRASS SKIRTS
AND (optional) COCONUTS"
and other stuff like
"YOU WILL WEAR A GRASS SUIT IN THE WORKPLACE
BUT DEVELOP AN ALLERGY TO COCONUT HUSKS"
and that would be just the first thirty seconds
for gawdsakes they has you for 1.9998 more freekin days...

and they won't turn off the Don Ho music
and if that aint bad enough, it's Don Ho
doing Barry freekin Manilow's Greatest Hits
"THIS IS NO TIME TO BE HAVING SEX"
drones on the orientaltional dude
and after a while the strains of Hawaiianese steel sliding guitars
(I think they call them loo owls or some shit like that)
backing Don Ho's gut socket wrenching rendition
of the "I write the songs that make the young girls dry"
is starting to sound pretty damn good...

well it beats the hell outta the last one
Mandy - backed by a gazzilion of them lil Hawaiianese ukalaylay things
what di'n't even begin to approach acceptability
until the 83rd time they played it...

and that's when a voice comes
all over the isolation tank yer floating in
instead of just in yer headphones
sayin "DO NOT BE ALARMED
YOU HAS ONLY BEEN IN THERE 2 HOURS
SINCE SHAVING YOUR HEAD.
WE WILL BE KEEPING YOU OVERNITE OF COURSE"
and yer like "what the fuck are you talking about"
and it says "WE SAID 2 DAYS OF ORIENTATION
WE NEVER MENTIONED YOU LEAVING DURING THE TWO DAYS
NOW KINDLY SIT YER WANNA-BE PART-TIME ASS DOWN
CAUSE WE HAS A REAL TREAT FOR YOU"...

so ya puts the freekinheadphones back on and they put on "Bandstand" and it's all Don Ho all the time again cept now it's steel drums and I dunno what the hell makes that noise two coconut shells clackin together maybe or maybe it's a Hawaiianese background dancer chick what went for the option... but after awhile the "music" fades to the background as you become orientated and yer muttering to yerself now saying shit like "U wan uuunifahlm wih - wih ow Don Ho see dee?" and "u rook mahrverus"

Hawaiinese Native Hula Dancing

and the scarey part (to me)
will be when you can say any of these
10 times in a row way fast
which I guess is prolly just a sample
of the kinds of questions yer gonna get
on the post-orient exit exam...

and keep this in mind
YOU MAY FAIL
and another question might be
"recite the lyrics to 'Copacofreekinbanna'"
but hopefully that one'll be multiple choice
and only if, as I suspect
the examiners are Japanorients
and if they can even say "lyrics"...

I dunno but it sure as slobber makes me wonder
I damn near drove myself crazy once trying to vocalize it
I was just guessing how they say it if course
but still - I got it down to where
I could say it like that 10 times in a row real fast
after resorting to a month long MSG-rich diet
which I don't think you has time to try
but you might be able to accelerate the process
if ya just pour a container of Accent into a glass of water
and drink it straight down...

the more I think about it the more I think it might work
and that's prolly where they got the name Accent
cause otherwise it makes no freekin sense at all...

and suddenly I realize all this time I've been thinking
I aint been listening
and now she's telling me she's gonna go have her hair cut
cause her girlfiend, the one that has the husband
that her father's boss knew the second cousin of
and I'm wondering do wimmin ever tire of talkin they go on and on...

so I sets the phone down and go get the broom cause I'm gonna sweep them bastards offa my ceiling only now they ain't a herd of Joe Camels anymore it's a team of conkshell blower guys and that sucks when you think about how it coulda been hula girls hangin upsidedown on the ceiling instead of this freekin homo Hawaiin hootenanny... so the hell with that and I open the frig to get a beer and I'm thinkin I dunno maybe she'll pass the exam cause their indoctrinatage was a success

are there any questions?
And some old half deaf guy
left half disoriented raises his hand and aks
"Could we please take another test?"
and everyone's rollin their eyes cause ok
this guy is the class suck ass
and then people start passin notes around
bout how they're gonna kick his ass
in the parking lot when orientation's over
for making them stay longer...

but the examinator says (with upmost serialness)
"U go fahl in this bizniz youllng mahn"
and yer like oh great now I'm gonna have to report
to this half deaf disoriented suck ass
and he'll prolly be like
"I TOLE YOU TO HANG THE DAMN THINGS GRASS SIDE OUT"
and you'll be all
"but Mr. Dinse (he'll prolly make you call him that) they're grass
on all sides!"
and he'll be cupping his ear all "WHAT?" and
"NO THAT'S NOT A GLASS EYE IT'S JUST I FORGET TO MOVE IT SOMETIMES"
and "I WAS LEFT HALF DISORIENTED BUT THE RIGHT HALF IS FINE"...

and priests will be draggin in pagan Hawaiinese nekids
to come to the Lord and get a freekin uniform
I dunno what the hell is up
with these dammed missionaries and them grass skirts
but hey - whatever cross you has to bear
to get yer highest ideal extended...

and after about a month you'll be aksin for time off
and Mr. Dinse will say
"WE SAID THE JOB WAS PART TIME
WE NEVER MENTIONED YOU LEAVING THE PREMISES BETWEEN SHIFTS"...

and then the conk blower guys vannish just as these two guys come through my door and they're all "are you okayin" all over my face and I dunno but maybe they're Walmartian remote greeters or some shit like that so I'm not telling em anything...

then one of em says "yer girlfriend called
and said you were dead
so we'd have been here sooner
but it took a while to get her offa the phone"...

so hell- I start to tell them it's just a cold
but then I don't
cause I aint gonna turn down a ride in a real ambulance...

but then when I got here they tole me
they wants to keep me under observation for a few weeks
so I just wanted to leave a message
so as you'd get it as soon as you get to work, Boss
that I won't be in for - I dunno - a couple of weeks I spose.

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