My girlfriend and I met in an online chat room -
she lives on one coast of the US and I live on the other
acause she says she needs her space,
and even with 3000 miles atween us
she still gives me this "I need my space" stuff over the phone,
and it's like dammit I'm not a freekin astronaut...

but I try not to argue
acause when I do, the next time I call her up
she's got some nasty answering machine message thing goin on like
"if you keep callin me I'm gonna call the cops" -
*hey* - like I'm paying long distance to lissen to that crap...

so I just quit callin
and after a while she sends me e-mail saying,
"what? you don't call any more?", and stuff like that
at which points I know she's cooled off a little
and maybe now we can have phone sex like civilized human beings,
only when I call her she says "you picked a bad week"
which is like - well if you d'i'nt tell me that,
how the hell would I even know,
but I never actually say that acause she'd prolly go off on me...

and I don't know bout you
but it sucks when yer being chewed out by yer girlfriend long distance
cause you know you'd better NOT hangup (I tried it once),
so you has to sit there and *pay* to take it,
and you know sometimes, it's true, she does call me on her dime,
but I've thought about it
and *never* has she chewed me out fer two hours on *her* dime,
no way - if she's making the call she just slams the phone down real quick...

but anyways, w'we're talking last month and it was going fairly well
I was two hours into this session of a 4 month begfest -
for her to come out here and visit -
when she says ok she will come visit
but only if I don't touch her when she gets there,
which is like a chick test...

you know, they sit around and think this shit up to mess with us...
like I'm gonna say "no don't come here if I can't touch you"
so she can say "you only want me for my body",
or if you say "that's okay I don't have to touch you - I just want to see you",
then they don't say it but they be thinking "whatta wimp" -
but they'll prolly say "what? you think I'm undesirable?"
which is another one of those chick questions they sit around dreaming up...

they has a book or something full of these things,
handed down fer a gazillion years from mother to daughter
and they aren't allowed to gradurate from puberty until they memorize this crap
and hopefully add new questions to this secret book,
only it's prolly not really a book - it's prolly some oral tradition
and they has to learn this crap by heart,
lord knows they can whip these things out on you outta nowhere
quicker than you can unzip yer freekin fly...

so anyways she's said she'll come fer a visit if I swear not to touch her
and she's waiting fer me to say something -
it don't matter what - say *anything*
cause she has like a gazillion years of responses to draw on
so what can any man say
what hasn't been covered many times in this book of wimminhoodmanship
so I has to come up with something she won't be prepared for
then, to buy time, I say "hold on hon, someone's at the door"
(figgering I can bear the "what? someone at the door's more important than talking to *me*?" line better than I can handle the "I'm only gonna come if you don't touch me" line)
and without waiting fer her to respond I sets the phone down
and go to my thinking room...

so I'm sitting there on the john thinking...

what the hell am I gonna say to this
cause believe me - she aint gonna let it drop
so using an ancient divining method reserved fer men
I randomly open my Sports Illustrated magazine
and start reading from the place my finger lands...

"AMAZING NEW MECHANICAL FISHING LURES",
and it goes on about how the fish can't resist it's natural wriggling motion,
and some guy's giving a testimony...
"Using THE WALMARS MECHANICAL EARTHWORM BAITER
I landed a catfish the size of freekin New Joisey in less than 5 minutes!"
and there's a pitcher of this guy standing in the middle of a river
grinnin like his girlfriend just said
"do me now, you wonderful fisherman... and leave the thigh high boots on"...

so I'm wondering how this relates to my current situation...

like my girlfriend comes here and I'm wearing thigh high boots
and I has this mechanical wriggler in my pocket and I whip it out
and she's like "take me now"...

only that don't help me right now
when I gotta come up with an answer to
"I'll come there but you can't touch me",
so I'm playing with ideas...

like I could say "I couldn't touch you if I wanted to
cause my hands were runned over by a car",
or "I'm shooting fer the Ginnis Record
fer keeping my hands in my pockets longer than anyone in the werld",
or "Oh, I had no intention of touching you
cause I'm trying to keep my hands primed fer fishing",
but some of these ideas sound a lil bit weak ya know...

then after a while I figger hell
I has had her on hold so long
and I'm basically payin long distance charges to sit in my own freekin bathroom
she's gonna chew me out no matter what I answer,
cause it's one of those ancient chick traps you can't get out of
so I go back to the phone,
"sorry hon, the freekin landlord wanted to borrow some bait
and I couldn't find the werm box in the frig"
and I guess that werked okay
cause she fergot her "I'll come for a visit but you can't touch" thing
and goes off about me havin worms in the frigerator
like I'm gonna leave em out to dry up or some shit like that...

so then I has to promise to clean my refrigerator
and in fact I has to clean the whole damn apartment,
or else she aint coming out
so it's like, okay dear I will clean the apartment
and she says goodbye like "be *sure* you do *click*"
so I figger if I don't actually clean this place up
she's gonna prolly get pissy and stuff
cause wimmins like stuff clean fer some reason...

and I'm lookin round my place like ok - I prolly need water fer this job...
and I'm wondering where the sink is cause I hasn't seen it in like ferever
but I know it's in the kitchen somewheres, prolly under all those dishes
so I has to move the dishes somewhere's so I move them out to the living room
and set them out on the part of the carpet still visible
and sure enough under all this crap is a sink
so it's like ok - that's enough for one day (I have a week afore she arrives)
and I order a pizza, only when I'm done this time
I don't throw the box and leftover pieces on the counter as usual
no this time I chuck it out to the living room
cause I don't wanna lose the sink again...

so day two: I'm looking around and I say dammit this carpet is really dirty
I mean even without the dishes and leftover pizza
and socks and cheetos and that old transmission
so I get this idea to kill two birds with one stone
I'll wash the dishes *and* the carpet at the same time
so I hook up a hose to the kitchen sink,
sprinkle dishwashing soap and that bleach powder you scrub out bathtubs with when yer expecting female company all over the carpet,
and have at the living room with the hose starting with the ceiling
I werk my way down the walls and by now the carpet is covered with suds
and I'm like damn -
I should be a freekin genius or some shit like that
cause this is werking way cool...

then I reason that I can get the hardened crud off the plates
by slidin them along the carpet and eventually I has the dishes done
and the carpet has *gotta* be clean,
cause it's like under a foot of sudsy water
so I open up the balcony door and it empties right out
like Niagra Falls or some shit
only I use my new found genioustude and keep the screen door shut,
so the dishes don't float out ya know...

and you wouldn't believe the water
it's like dark brown (so you know the carpet needed cleaning)
and there's soggy pizza and fuzzy stuff (I think that used to be meatloaf) floating all over
and I'm thinking this is a problem
cause the screen's not only stopping the dishes from goin over the balcony,
it's keeping the crud inside,
and I don't need that kinda buildup,
but by now I'm kinda tired and I figger I got a few more days...

so I break out the fishing pole and practice casting,
right there in the living room
and then I remember I has to clean the bait out the refrigerator anyways,
so I get out the can of worms and let them go in the water
figgerin they'll go off the balconey
sort of recycling to save the environment, and I'm feeling good
you know having saved a coffee can of werms for humanity
but once I let 'em loose I remember the freekin screen
so to hell with that - I decide to go downstairs and have a beer with Charles,
the new guy living under me...

Charles wears button up sweaters and shirts with his initials on em
and those loafers what look like wimmins shoes,
with tassles and shit all over em
I don't know what he does for a living it must be a lot
cause everytime I aks him if he wants to go down to the bar with me
he says he's busy
so anyways, he opens the door and says,
"hey whats up with the thigh high boots?"
and I tell him I've been cleaning and fishing
and i aks him if he's got some beer,
and he invites me - *after* I've already came in
so we're sitting there downing a brewski...

I'm checking out his place
and he's got furniture
what matches his wimmin's shoes
he's even pitchers hanging up
I'm still a lil wet so the clear vinyl cover
on the couch is making suckin noises
everytime I take a swig...

and he looks out his patio window and says,
"It's really coming down out there"
and I'm like yeah
and he says he hopes
he rolled the car windows up
and I'm like - uh - where did you park
and he's like "right under my patio"
and how he likes to keep an eye on his car
cause it's way expensive...

so I tell him lissen I has to run and thanks fer the beer
and I go back upstairs
and that's when I realize I left the hose on
and now the entire apartment is 3 feet deep in water
cause the buildup on the screen has just blocked everything up and stuff
so it's like ok,
I'm cleaning *all* the rooms *and* everything in them now...

then the phone starts ringing... so I figger its her again
and I pick up the phone and say in my best sexy voice,
"get nekid - get on the floor - and let's have phone sex right now you hot thang you"
only it's Mr. Slathers the landlord...

and he's yellin what the hell are you doing up there
and I say why
and he says the guy downstairs says his ceiling is buckling and dripping
so I say well damn - I'm just doing a lil cleaning - no big freekin deal,
this Charles guy must be some kinda whiner
so Mr. Slather's says "well I'm coming over there to have a look"
so I'm like ok and get off the phone figgerin geeezuz crispies,
I has to get this freeking mess cleaned up fast...

but by now the water's rising
cause the freekin screen's all blocked up
with dirt, pizza crust, lamps, shoes, beer cans,
meat loaf (I think), werms,
and all the other shit I has laying around
so the water can't get out
so I opens the screen
and then it's like a dam broke
all this stuff goes draining out over my balconey
then I hear "WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!" real loud
and I look over the rail and there's Charles,
under the cleanage what be draining out my place,
trying to raise the convertible top
of his fancy dancy car
and just then he gets hit over the head
with a soggy yellow pages
and I guess he gets knocked out
cause he slips under the water...

so anyways
I can guarantee I won't be laying hands on my girlfriend when she comes out
cause I'll prolly still be in freekin jail here
and also I won't be able to make it to work today, Boss.

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