I can't help that I'm a sucker fer informoresells I mean I don't go out of my way to be sold to but if someone goes on long enough about stuff I can get just by pickin up the phone I'm gonna buy it... so Sunday afternoon I'm driving in my car listening to AM talk radio and a guy comes on the radio sayin,

and you know them's some of my favorite werds of all
cause this means ok
we is gonna hear about some neat shit now...

and just like they do on TV informoresells
they do it up like it's an actual regular radio show
with a interviewer and a guest
you know and the guest is the president of some company
what is payin the station to do this
and the interviewer is prolly his werthless son-in-law - I dunno...

so anyways they has the official soundin music start up and
"Welcome to 'It's Your Colon' - we has a very special show today what I thinks you will agree is a seldom discussed but very important topic - Cleaning Yer Colon - and I've invited the president of the Atomic Colon Cleanser Corporation, Dr. Dunny, to to help us dig into this material"...

and so the doctor president starts off asking the interviewer
if he ever saw a lil kids poop in the toilet
cause they ferget to flush a lot
and they go like 10 times a day
and don't it make you say
"good greef - how the hell did something that big come outta a lil kid?"...

and then you get older
and yer only goin like once a week
and when you do yer just making these lil turdlettes
all twisted up and stuff
and how kids have a lotta energy
cause they eat and then their bowels
get all the good stuff into their bodies
and pass the waste right on out
but when you get older that aint happening
and so you barely have the energy required to grunt...

cause basically yer bowels are like a stopped up toilet and yer all backed up and then yer immune system is too busy trying to fight the toxins what come about the kindsa toxins what you get when you leave shit in the sun fer a few weeks so you can't feel good and that it's way important to keep yer bowels cleaned out and ya has to move yer bowels like 10 times a day

CONSTIPATION can wreak hellstones and brimfires all over yer ass. What the fuck IS brimfire any way?.

and as they're talking I'm driving along thinking
well hell - I aint took a dump fer like 6 hours
so I starts lookin fer a rest stop
not that I has to go
but hell - they is already convincing me of the importance of bowel movements here...

so the interviewer says
"tell us about John Wayne"
and the doctor president ignores that
and goes into how the preservatives in our food
make it so our bowels get clogged up with all kinda shit
and that it fills in lil pockets in our intestines
and that pot bellies are nothin more than bowels just crammed full of shit...

and the interviewer says
"yeah - and tell us about John Wayne"
and the doctor president says
inside our bowels is crap what started hardening
and filling up in there like 10-15 years ago
and aint never came out...

and again it's like
"so tell us about John Wayne"
and I'm thinking geezus crispies
like what the hell is up with this guy askin bout John Wayne
I mean the man was practically God or somethin
a national hero in practically every freekin movie he was in...

and the doctor president is saying
that when peeple get full of crap like this
they're susepticle to all kinda diseases
like hemerods and sikosis of the liver and their skin gets..

and that's when I finally see the rest stop sighn
so I take the exit
cause now I'm convinced that I too must be full of shit...

and when I'm done
I look before I flush
at my lil pathetic measly turdlettes...

so I rush back to the car and start it back up
and the guy is saying
"WILL YOU FREEKIN TELL US
ABOUT JOHN WAYNE ALREADY?"
and so the doctor president says
"Ok - see, it's like this
when John Wayne died they did an autopsy
and that's when they discovered 42 pounds of waste matter in his intestine"...

holy gajeebers - 42 freekin pounds...

and the interviewer says "Doctor, that story gets to me everytime" and the doctor president says "Yeah, and though it's widely known that Elvis the king of Rock n Roll died on the toilet not many peeple realized that what killt him was that he had a heart attack from straining"... and I'm like damn I thought Elvis had his shit together but this makes it sound like he was a freekin compactor...

and the doctor president is sayin
so they autopsied him too
only he wern't as full of shit as John Wayne
who had to walk like he had 42 pounds of crap
shoved up his ass the wrong way...

and I'm thinking good grief
they're talking about two of the most beloved peeple
ever to have their intestines autopsied
like they're selling them freekin Pope Eel's Pocket Fisherman fer gawdsakes...

and that's when the doctor president says
how he really loved these two gentlemen
and if it weren't fer the importance of letting the public know that they has to get their colons rooted out
he wouldn't even bring all this shit up
and so the interviewer says well
now can you tell our listeners
about the Atomic Colon Cleanser Formula
what you invented
and how this can keep everybody out there
from ending up on an autopsy table having their intestinal scrapings wieghed and discussed on radio talk shows like this one...

and the doctor says well yeah
he'd be glad to
"you see the Atomic Colon Cleanser Formula
has been used by millions of peeple
all of whom are now taking 8-10 dumps a day"
and I'm thinking now
about pulling into another rest stop again
while also thinking who the hell has time fer all this shit...

and he's saying yeah it's got like 48 herbs and spices
(so I'm thinking maybe it's the same stuff what be in Colon Sanders recipe, I never heard of Colon Sanders having his bowels autopsied)
and all these ingredients go to werk in yer system
and flush you out
and how after a few months of this
you won't have ANY shit with you...

and yer gonna feel better
and peeple will come up to you and say you look different
and not realize its cause you lost
that 42 pounds of crap-filled belly
you were carrying around like a freekin PortoPotty
well hell - they prolly won't notice you at all
cause you'll be on the freekin crapper all the damn time...

but still, it does sound like it makes sense
I mean if yer full of shit peeple prolly are gonna respond to you differently then if yer constantly on the can...

so anyways the interviewer says
"You know the first time you came on our show Doctor
I was skeptical
but I started the Atomic Cleanser Formula Program
and - well I don't wanna get too graphical fer radio
but the next day I passed a really huge stool
I measured it - and you know, it was over 6 feet long
as big as John Wayne even
and thereafter I was having 10 or more bowel movements a day"...

maybe *I* have a John Wayne up my ass or some shit... and the doctor president's saying yeah if everyone in the werld used the Atomic Colon Cleanser Formula we wouldn't have no more disease and I'm thinking that's prolly true but we'd sure as hell have some long lines to the hopper...

beware of cheap imtitsaters

so the interviewer says
"we're going to take a break and move our bowels while we let you hear how you can get the Atomic Colon Cleanser Formula - when we return we'll continue our discussion with Dr. Dunny"
and then they play an ad fer this stuff...

"IF YOU ARE NOT HAVING 8 OR MORE BOWEL MOVEMENTS A DAY THEN YOU NEED THE ATOMIC COLON CLEANSER FORMULA... YOU'LL FEEL YOUNGER... YOU'LL *LOOK* YOUNGER... YOU'LL HAVE A SENSE OF WELL BEING AND EXPERIENCE HAPPINESS YOU HAVEN'T ENJOYED SINCE CHILDHOOD... YOU'LL ASK A LOTTA PEEPLE WHERE THE REST ROOM IS"...

and as that's goin on I'm lookin fer a pen to write the number down and thinking...

finally someone is making sense on this freekin planet cause it occurs to me all the werld's leaders these old farts aint kids so you can bet yer ass they aint goin 10 times a day so they're all cranky prolly not even knowing why in fact, look around the werld at all the starving peeple

the way I see it
there's more than enough shit to go around in this werld
it just aint distributed evenly...

maybe then we'd have some freekin werld peace... so I write down the 800 number and pull over to use a payphone and they answer "You've reached the Atomic Colon Cleanser Corporation all of our agents are having bowel movements but if you stay on the line someone will be with you movementarily" and so I'm hangin on whilst they're playing some Barry freekin Manilow muzak thinking what a shitty job bein an autopsist must be...

so I'm pitcherin myself as one
and here comes a nurse wheelin in this dead guy
"Doctor! This is El Presidente Juan Morfoodo
who was found dead on the shitter this morning
and yer gonna have to look into his bowels"
and me and my crack team are all suited up in full body condoms and...

then a voice comes on the phone
"Hello this is Jerry - may I take yer order please?"
so I ask Jerry
how much fer the Atomic Colon Cleanser Formula
"29.95 for a one month's supply
or we have a special 69.95 price
if you order a 3 month supply"
you know that's a whole lotta money
to pay fer shit I'm thinking...

but now I'm flashin back
to the autopsy I was conductin
and I has the El Presidente's intestines in a big pile
and it's obvious what this guy might have lived
had he only gotten
the Atomic Colon Cleanser Formula...

so I tell Jerry - ok - gimmie 4 of the 3 month supply specials
cause I'm thinking ahead
280 bucks - make that 350, factoryin in shit paper
that's a small price to pay
to keep John Wayne outta my ass fer a year
and Jerry asks me how I want it shipped
and I start to tell him and he says
"oh oh - please hold on - I need to move my bowels"
so there I am back on hold...

and I goes back to this vision of me being a autopsist again and the nurse is telling me she aint seen anyone so full of shit as El Presidente Morfoodo since the time we had to scrape out Orson freekin Wells and I'm like yeah Orson Wells was as full as shit as they come alrite and then I say "trowel" and...

"I'm sorry" says the guy at the Atomic Colon Cleanser Corporation
and I'm thinking man - they must give these peeple employee discounts
then this woman taps me on the shoulder and aks me
how freekin long I intend on using this pay phone
and that pisses me way off so I yell at her
"LOOK DAMMIT! BACK OFF
CAUSE I GOT A JOHN WAYNE UP MY FREEKIN ASS!"
and she runs off and calls the cops
who arrive shortly after and ask me what the hell I'm doin...

so I'm trying to be helpful ya know
and I point to the one cop's HUGE belly and say
"you know pal, yer obviously full of shit"
and well, I guess he took it the wrong way Boss
cause I'm in jail now...

so... I won't be able to make it into werk today.

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