Learn to Asstral Travel and Stuff
Colonel Bob Grubb
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More Freekin Martian Crappola, December 22, 2002
My girlfriend's way into that computer stuff
recently she tole me
she's able to unload MP3s
and then burn CDs
since she got DSL and toast...
and that made me suspicous
I mean when I realized I wasn't goin deaf
and she was actually talkin that way...
so - k - the aliens has brainwashed her
and now all she can do is babble acronyminously,
saying stuff like "AIM is down again", and "ICQ is down again" -
I mean fer gawdshakes she's always offering to
"look it up on yahoo" and "find it on google"
and you want me to believe
all this puter shit ain't alien technology...
they're takin over the werld
and turnin peeple into puter zombies
you has to be prepared to defend yerself from them,
even if they did used to be yer girlfriend
before they had their brains sucked out their nose...
the real sticky point is that
the people what gets nose-hosed by alien brainwashin
start tryin to lead others to the aliens
for instance my girlfriend tells me
"look I got a 'Learn To Asstral Travel' self-hypnosis mp3
off the net" (and you can tell that sounds alien right there)
"do you want it" she says
and I'm thinking
no way do I wanna learn to travel to their home planet
and become a freeking Homosapeon McMuffin...
and has you ever wondered where the self-hypnosis comes in
when you listen to these guys hypnotize yer ass
yer just laying there listening to them hypnotize you
there aint no self-direction goin on I can see at all
they're the ones tellin you to flap yer freeking arms like a chicken...
but she insists I take this Asstral Travel CD
she made with her toast
and she even got me headphones
the kind that clamp on so tight
they won't fall off even if you go swimmin in em...
so later that night after she leaves
I lay down in the dark, clamp on the headphones
and try to press start - only I can't see
so I has to get up to turn on the light
and nearly tear my head off cause the cords too short
get the light on and set the cd player
to start playin 5 minutes after I press start...
to give me time to get re-clamped and comfortable
and what the hell it was only 3 freekin hours
between finding the galldammed CD instruction manual
and practicin the three handed press with a toothpick in this microdent
and simultaneously hold eight buttons down move
(unless yer in Japan, in which case I can't read that section)
all that time - to make it start 5 minutes later...
so I turns the light off, get back in bed, and clamp up to wait...
and sure enough five minutes later a voice comes on
"be at peace with the universe - relax"
relax my ass
by this time I feel like
bitslapping this dude silly with the CD instruction manual
"exhale until yer lungs are completely empty - very slowly"...
so I do that
and hell if you've ever done that slowly
yer desparate for intake long before you hit empty
but I get there and I wait -
and there's all these background noises like lil bells jingling
and someone taking a leak off in the distance...
and FINALLY he says
"now inhale - SLOWLY - fill yer lungs to capacity and hold it"
so I'm breathing in all slow
and I get maybe a quarter of a lung's worth of air
and he says "now exhale slowly" -
I dunno maybe this freekin CD player
has a variable idiot speed adjustment
but I sure as hell aint gonna get up
and read that freekin manual again
so I just breathe like a rabbit to keep up...
and he's all
"imagine yerself in the most relaxed position you can -
in a place where you has always found pleasure"
so I'm thinkin, k
I'm on my back experiencing the aftermouth of oral sex,
"imagine the effect of gravity gently pulling you to the earth"
and I'm thinkin that aint gravity it's just aftermouth,
"now I'm going to count from 5 to 1
and with each number yer gonna get sleepier and sleepier
5 yer getting sleepy 4 yer getting sleepier 3 sleep 2"
*RING* "it's yer phone" the voice says
so hell now I has to unclamp,
get up and turn the freekin light on and find the remote
and it's the alien collaborator chick
sayin "has you started listenin to the CD?",
so I'm like well I was... till you called
and she says well she's glad she caught me
cause the best thing to do
is to stick that CD on continuous play
and let it run all night so it sinks in
so I'm like k - I'll do that
and I'm gonna take this phone off the hook
cause I'll prolly be Asstral Travelin all over Uranus...
so it's more quality time with the CD player manual
and after a couple of hours of squinting
at dark grey letters on miniature black buttons
and translating the sort of English
they speak fluidly in freekin Turkey
I get the dadblasted thing set for repeat play,
turn the light out, clamp down...
and fall asleep
before the 5 minute start timer even kicks in...
I wakes up three freekin days later
counting to 5 backwards,
and only cause the power went out
otherwise I'd prolly still be in an alien coma...
so I calls her up and she's like
"where has you been for three days mister"
so I splain shit bout how I was comatoast
from listenin to that CD
and she's like "well - did it work"
and I'm all like how the hell am I sposed to know
I hasn't thought of anything since I woke up
so I aks her what exactly has been done to me
and she says well after three days
I should be able to astrally project anywhere...
and I'm like how
and she's all "well di'n't you listen to the CD"
and I'm like well only for 3 straight days
but I don't know what the hell he said whilst I was in a coma...
so she starts yellin at me
the way New Age puter people do when they get mad
just like normal people
except their teeth stay shut...
and I'm telling her look
you need to slow down - take a deep breath
count from 5 to 1 with me, relax yer jaw...
and instead she gets even more Newagement on me,
and it prolly all fell apart when she said
"don't make me come over there"
and I said "what's the big deal you comin over here
just count from 5 to 1 backwards, click yer heels together
or whatever the hell yer sposed to do
and project yer ass on over here"
at which point she hangs up with a calm New Age slam of the phone...
that's just a brief background to bring you up to speed
on how the martians are excollating their attempts
to drive-thru Earth and place an order
for the entire human population
like we're all just one big alien happy meal...
well drive thru to the next freekin window with that shit...
by the way
prolly the best thing you can listen to
whilst in a self-hypnotic trance
would be "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds"
as "interpreted" by William Shatner -
yep, that's right Captain James Freekin T Kirk
of the USS Enterprise -
this song has the distinction of being
the only selection on the InnerNet
nobody gives a shit whether you download or not...
but that's off the subject
anyways my alien collaborator girlfriend
refused to have sex with me again
unless I learnt how to project my asstral
so there I was all clamped up again
and the self-hypnotist is sayin
"I want you to count backward with me
from 5 to 1 - and when I say 1
you will be convinced you are a chicken
and begin flapping yer wings
only this time yer gonna remember
that yer gonna asstral travel somewhere -
so pick a place now - before I count"...
so I tried to think of a place
and all I could think of
was getting somthin to eat
and that's about the last thing I remember
before falling asleep... cept maybe wimmin...
so I dunno if it was just a dream
or maybe I did actually experience
a sorta out of body expereince
cept I was IN a body
a freekin chicken body...
and i'm laying in bed
watchin some chick gettin nekid and stuff
only she's not a real chicken like me
she's a woman with large wahnahmoomoos
I don't remember anything after that
except I developed a craving for fried chicken...
that's how I found out about the aliens taking over KFC...
once, not too long ago, KFC was callt Kentucky Fried Chicken
there wasn't a damn thing wrong with that name
so I know when they changed it to KFC
is when the aliens prolly took it over
cause KFC sounds like another puter attachment or some shit
I mean I can almost hear my alien collaborator girlfriend
tellin me "KFC is down again"...
anyways suddenly I'm not in bed anymore
and the chick has flowned the coop
I'm alone in my car
and I see one of these KFC places
so I pulls into the drive-thru lane
one of those kinds you can't just drive up to
you has to circle the whole freakin parking lot
3 times before you get there...
and suddenly here's a recording of Colonel Sanders
yelling at me out of the squawk box
about his chicken fingers or some shit...
"Hello! This is Colonlel Sanders
and I has been dead fer like 25 years
but my fingers are so chicken lickin good
I just had to come back and yell at you about 'em", etc.
I gotta tell you
the LAST thing I wanna do before I eat
is listen to some dead guy go on about his thighs
so after a 10 freekin minute presentation by Colonel Sandeaders
someone alive - a chick - comes on and aks me
if I wanna try the Colonel's nuggets...
you know they ALL do this
you pull in and they aks you
if you wanna try this or that
who are these people
what pulls into a place sayin to themselves
"I hope to gawd they suggest something
cause I has no idea what I want"...
or "well Hell...
I *was* gonna order a Kid's Junior Meal Snack
but now that you has aksed me
if I wanna try the Super Extra Large Sized Jumbo
Potato Chicken Burger,
I'm willin to pay you
six bucks more than I was planning on spending
and I think I has room in the trunk..."
so anyways, I tell them no,
I don't want anything to do with the Colonel's nuggetts
and they get all indignent
like, ok then asshole - what DO you want
and I'm thinking
well I sure as hell don't want
the fingers or the thighs now
and I'm wonderin if they have
any parts at all the Colonel never had
but I doubt they has Extra Crispy Gonads
or theyda suggested it by now
and allowed me to turn it down
cause I freekin knew
when I pullt in to this damn place
I din't want no freekin gonads
even if the Colonel never did have 'em...
so I'm pretty grossed out now
and I tell the chick
look, just gimmie an order of mashed potatoes
and she's like "ok may I take yer order"
and I'm like I said gimmie an order of mashed potatoes
and she's like "well shit man - will there be anything else?"
and I says no
and she says "look, you can't just order mashed potatoes
you has to have some part of the dead Colonel"...
so I says
"look dammit I don't want no parts of the freekin Colonel
I JUST want mashed potatoes"
so the chick acts like she can't hear me
they always do that shit
and she says "You say you just want the Colonel's toes?"
anyways suddenly I hear this voice saying
"I'm going to count backward from 5 to 1
and when I start counting you will begin driving thru
and when I reach one you will be at the next window
5 - 4"...
you ever wonder why the hell these drive-thrus
have the lil squawk box thing at all
you can't hear them and they can't hear you
and yer out there screamin at each other
until finally you come to some agreement
over who's turn it is to talk
and they take yer order
then they tells you
drive thru to the next window
and so you do
and there they are
the same person you were just in a screamin match with
why the hell don't they just take the damn box out
so you just drive up
to that freekin next window to begin with
and scream yer freekin order at them there
where they can't pretend they can't hear you...
I drive thru to the next freekin window
and there's this alien chick wearing no bra there
and she says that will be 2.10
and that's when I realize I'm still a chicken
cause when I reach out to pay
I'm clutching the twenty in my claw
and she reaches out
only instead of grabbing the twenty
she starts pulling on my arm or leg
or whatever the hell I got hanging out the window
asking me "is this for here or to go"
so I'm flappin my arms like a chicken to keep her offa me
cause I know if they pull me thru that window
I'm gonna be the main freekin course for
Meals-on-Wheels for outer space...
and that's when I come to
and find my girlfriend yanking my arms
all "wake up wake up wake up wake up
I stopped at KFC
and got you the thighs they suggested I try
only it was for you so I thought well hell
if he were with me in the car
he wouldn't know what the hell he wants anyways
so I tole her
yeah that was sweet of her to suggest somethin
for me - or rather you
cause I sure as shit have no idea what the hell
he wants - I'm not a freekin mind reader... yet...
and she was all "would you like fries with that"
but anyways wake up wake up
I need you to go to Wal Mars with me"...
and then a voice says
"I am going to count from 5 to 1 backwards
just to confuse you, and you will never hear
this part of all what I be a sayin
unless yer alien girlfriend is yankin on yer arms
but now she's there so you can hear me
oh wait I'm sposed to be counting backwards
k, 4, no wait I dint do 5 yet, 5
and she's all
"I know you can hear me"
so there I am caught
between a puter zomboid space cadet
alien collaborating chick
DR. STRANGE HYPNOTIZES YER ASS
TO HAVE MORE BRAINS IF THEY WILL FIT
narrating the proceedings
from 5 to 1 backwards
and not 3 minutes ago I was a freekin chicken...
so anyways my werkin theory is that
the aliens abductaped Colonel Sanders
and prolly cloned his ass
they prolly cloned all his freekin parts...
and suddenly KFCs
are sproutin up like alien mushrooms
the kind you has to circle
three freekin times to even get to...
and the squawk boxes are training devices
for when they get yer ass up on Mars
and you'll all be lined up
in a spiral line
and when it's yer turn you'll drive up
and the box will say
"I would like to try your thighs"
and you'll be all like
"WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU"
and they'll be saying
"you has to give me some of yer parts"
and you'll be all
"WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU"
"I SAID I WANT YOUR THIGHS"
and you'll be
"K... I HAS YOU DOWN FOR
AN EXTREMELY SMALL ORDER OF FRIES"
and they'll go
"JUST FREEKIN PULL IT ON THRU THE NEXT WINDOW"
and then a voice will come outta nowhere tellin you
"I'm gonna count from 5 to 1 backwards
and when I get to one I wants you to stick the
part or parts of you, what has been ordered
thru the window"...
I think we're so good
they don't want to eat us all at once...
and the people in line behind you
will all be just a bunch
of brainwashed by aliens Happy Meals
all fattened up on a diet rich in KFC
and they'll be all honkin and shoving and yelling
"HEY COME ON ALREADY
THE VOICE OUTTA NOWHERE HAS ALREADY GOT TO 2"...
you think on this and you think long
before you go along with all this puter zombie shit
it's all plug and play now sure
but you think about which parts
yer willin to whip out
and uncoil thru an alien space window...
the aliens are too damn busy
watching "The Alien Sopranos"
and writing instruction manuals
and turnin people into puter zombies
and thinking up acronyms
to do their own dammed cookin...
and what the hell if they say
If that ever happent to me
I'd asstrally project it thru their freekin window
cause since I took the 'Learn To Asstral Travel'
I've had several out of mind experiences
but this time I'm so out of my mind
I can look back on me in a space coma
and my girlfriend's slappin me around all
"Wake up Wake up"
and the guy's goin
"3 you are nearly out of yer mind
2 yer so almost outta yer mind
you can't feel yer thighs now
1 yer out of yer mind now... so piece full"
only I can't hear him cause I've got headphones on...
it's an eerie thing to see yerself
when yer outta yer mind
and see that you gotta be out of yer mind
to have an alien collaborator chick
for a girlfriend, and let her talk you into
goin out of yer mind
and goin to freekin Wal Mars...
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