Like It or Lump It by Bob Grubb

I ha'n't been to the doctors in like 15 years
I guess cause the last time I went
was when I got my first HOMO medical insurance plan
and I go in and this doctor
tried to violate me with his index finger
under the guise it was some sort of 'examination'
and I tole him get the hell away from me cause
I don't care if you DO wear a freekin condom on yer finger
I don't swing that way

and so he brings in two male nurses to hold me down
and tries to force hisself on me
and I'm thinking damn, if that guy has a hangnail
that rubber aint gonna hold

so I end up kickin his ass and get arrested
and since I opent a Can O'Whoopass on his nurses too
I got charged with batteries
and the judge
who woul'n't accept my anal defense plea
tells me as part of my sentences
(in addition to five years of communicable services)
I has to stay outta doctors offices, for two years

and I'm like - hell
I aint NEVER goin back to a freekin doctor any freekin ways
an I never did for like 15 years

and that's the way it's been
uptil now
when I discovers a lump, or is it a hump
on my butt... on the left cheek
where I has to lay a full length mirror on the floor
and stand over top to even see it
which I don't really need to do
cuz I know it's there

I has trouble rollin out of bed in the morning
people keep asking me if I carry my lunch in my wallet
but most trubbling
is that I'm startin to have to walk like John Wayne

so O'Freekin Kay dammit
I has to go see a freekin doctor now
but I'm wearing a cup this time
backwards

I has that HOMO insurance plan
that werk pays all but 600 bucks a month for
so I calls the 800 number to aks where I can go
to see about getting a large chunk of my ass removed
and they try to tell me I'd be needing to see a spatialist

so I tells em look
I aint ever goin back to a doctor that spatializes in asses
cause they're WAY too into their jobs
and they tell me well if I don't go where they tells me to
they might not cover all my expenses
so I says
look
I don't care if yer all freekin H O M Ohs down there
I'm paying 600 bucks a month to have my ass covered
and I think now that I has a lump on my ass
this one time you could cut me some slacks here
and let me go to a general practishuner
so they finally tole me where to go

so ok, I call Dr. Vlendannakvsllador-freekin-ski's office
to make an appointment
and the laydy that answers is all
"Dockter Veezzze's awfulce"
cause she sure as hell can't say it either
so I aks for an appointment
and she's all
"we don't have any openings for new patients
fer like 5 to 6 freekin months"

so I says
look lady... I has a lump on my ass the size of Nebraska
I can't hardly get my freekin pants on in the morning
and if I has to wait 5 to 6 months
to see about getting this thing removed
I'm gonna halfta take the back seat outta the station wagon
to haul my ass down there

so then she aks me is it really an emergency
and I'm like hell yeah it's an emergency
so she aks me if I can be there in a half hour
and so I says yeah...

so now -
I go down there and I go in and I stand at the window
they use to keep people like me from coming back there
and there, with her back to me playin MineSweeper
is this chick in a freekin labcoat

and I'm thinking to myself
so no one else will hear me
what the hell is she gonna be handlin
that requires a lab coat
the only hazardous substance
she's gonna come in contact with
is prolly freekin cheezeburger juice

so anyways, I clears my throat like I
just swallowed a hole in the ohzone layer
till she turns around and says
"how may I help you"
so I tells her I'm the one with the emergingcy lump on my ass
"and you tole to be here in 45 minutes"
and she don't even remember the phone call
cause she says
"we don't do liposuckin" -
so I splain shit to her like
I just freekin callt and you tole me to get my ass in here
so she's like "oh" and "fill out these forms"

you ever seen these forms?
they're like 12 pages of check heres...

check here if you ever had heart problems
here if you ever died of a contagious disease
here if you missed yer period for more than 5 months
here if you can't pronounce yer freekin doctor's name
here if you ever had ammonia, here if yer allergic to tampax

and I don't know what most of this shit even is
so I just check every other one
like ya do when ya take a multipple choice test
and I notice there aint a single
"check here if yer ass has a lump so big ya has to sit on the can
at a forty five freekin degree angle"...

then i gives the papers back to the chick
and she says have a seat...

so I'm sittin there
at a 45 degree angle
reading a magazine dated 1978
thats devoted to tassel shoes fer sissy men
cause it's that, or a Barbie coloring book
some kid's already done the pictures in

and an hour later I'm still sitting
so I yells out "HEY?!? I'm still waiting here
and the labcoat heaves her bigassed self to the window
and says, "the doctor is busy doin another patient
and will be with you shortly
meanwhile here are some insurance forms to fill out"

so ok - 8 more pages to fill out
like what is you're name?
last then first... just to mess with yer head
yer address
what kinda work you do
has you ever slept with the doctor's wife
are you covered by a HMO plan

and I'm thinking H M O? geeze the lazy basturds
y'all has yer rights now, in some places
and you already has a freekin abbreviation
I can say it for you
H, freekin O, M, Oh yer gay I'm keepin my pants on

wut - is 4 freekin letters too much to aks for?

and sign here to say you has read this shit
about if yer insurance don't cover yer expenses
then yer gonna have to pay outta yer own pocket

like yeah...
I can really get my wallet out over this lump anyways

so I gives her the forms
and she gives me that "be seated" look again
but I don't flinch - I demand to see the doctor
cause I've been out here like 2 and a half hours
and she gives me this look like "and yer point is?"
and tells me
"the doctor will see you when he's damn good and ready
now get yer lumpy ass offa my counter and have a seat"
so I do

and then this other chick opens the door
and she's way hot, her hooters...
all buldgesome in them off-color green scrubs
prolly wearin a thong, and maybe no bra
and tells me she wants me to come with her

and I'm like well, hell then
if there's gonna be entertainment
I can wait fer the freekin doctor
but i realize I'll have to be on top
cause of my condition

so she takes me to an empty room
and tells me to take my shirt off
and I'm like, you first
and she acts all offended...
hell, she was beggin for it a minute ago...
why else the scrubs?

so I takes off my shirt and she takes my blood pressure
and says "OH MY GOD! The doctor will be right with you!"
and runs out of the room

so I'm sittin there like 15 minutes waitin
and still no doctor, just some poster
of a liver or some shit... it's hard to tell
wondering why there aint any freekin magazines in here
so I grab the jar of tongue sticks
and try to fling them into the trashcan acrost the room

finally the doctor comes in
and says either
"sorry to keep you waiting"
or
"what are you doing with my tongue sticks"
or
his name
I dunno which, cuz I can't freekin understand a word

so I'm like "whatthehelldidyoujustsay?"
and he nods his head
like either I answered his freekin question
or pronounced his name correctly

then he starts stethescoping everywhere except my freekin ass
and I'm like, do you speak English?
and he's noddin his head like he does
but I know he don't
cause then I tells him I've been doin his wife
and he just smiles and nods
so I'm like geezus freekin crispies
this guy prolly got his degree at a Walmars in Tileland or some shit

so I stands up and try usin sign langwich
I'm pointin to my ass
and he's noddin yes
way too much fer my comfort, and he's smiling suggestively
but I figger what the hell, I has a 4 hour investment in this
so I drops my pants

and he still won't look at my ass
instead he's on his knees
and apparently only knows one freekin word of English
cause he says "cough"

so I knows the routine, and turn my head
I guess they want you to turn yer head
so as ya don't spit in their hair
and I'm thinking dammit
I aint never ever heard of anyone
keelin over from the cough thing... ya know?

I mean ya never have an experience like
yer eating lunch in the lunchroom at work, and John's sayin
"Yeah, one cough, and I was laid out on the floor
in testickyuler agony so bad
they had to cut my hernia off right there on the spot"
and yer all like
I don't need to hear about this kinda crap
whilst I be tryin to eat my tunamustard on rye here, John.

no, that never happens
you never hear of anyone fallin out from the cough thing
so why do doctors do this...

anyways then he pokes the other side and says "cough" like doing this twice is gonna help so now, before he can get up I whips around to show him my ass and the lump practically knocks him over so now he notices cause I'm pointing my finger to it and at that point the nurse comes in and gives me that "what's goin on in here" look like just cause I has HOMO coverage I are one

Hey... don't give me grief about showing this picture. Instead, ask yourself... who has the least pride here? The doctor? The patient? The photographer?

but then she sees my lump
and her eyebrows go up
and by now Dr. VhathehelldidyoojustsayVski
is stethescoping my lump
and hittin on it with a rubber hammer
talkin in some kinda forin langwich
then he writes some shit on a piece of paper
hands it to the nurse and walks out...

so I aks the nurse
can you tell me what the hell he said
and she's all like
"I can't tell either I just werk here
but it says here
you either has an enlarged prosteakt gland
or walletightass
so yer gonna have to have yer blood tested"

and I'm like geemuneeze
how many freekin pages to read and fill out is THAT...
well, I won't go into that whole story cept to say it was 11

understand, by this time
I'm ready to just take my ass home
and take the freekin hedge clippers to it
but again they tells me to wait
in the lil room with the tongue depressents

about a half a trashcan of tongue sticks later
the doctor and nurse come in
and he starts bablin and she's translating
saying "it is yer prosteakt gland -
it's so enlarged it's pokin out the back of yer ass
so here fill these forms out"

and I'm like what the hell is this
and she's all
"well if only you'da had an anal exam say 15 years ago
this shit coulda been stopped
but now yer gonna need a transplant"...

so I aks what the hell
how'm I sposed to go about gettin a suitable donor?

so anyways boss
I'm leaving this message to let you know
I can't come into work today
cause I'm sittin here at a 45 degree angle
surfin ebay fer a prosteakt gland.

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