Often in life it's the little things
what kinda piss you off
you know, like what happents
when ya puts yer donuts and mustard in the blender
and press the WHIP button...

only you miss and press CHOP instead
and yer like oh shit, acause now
instead of a nice custard consistency
it's all lumpy and marbley
so you figger well hell
I'll just hit the WHIP button again
and that will take care of it
only you miss and press PUREE instead...

so now you got this soupy crap
what looks like something yer dawg left on the carpet
after eating gawd knows what dead thing outside
and it (yer dawg's leavings) never came outta the carpet
so hell, yer not gonna pour THAT over yer spugetti noodles...

so you may as well go over yer mom's and eat
even though it means ya has to lissen to her
yakkin on about yer never gonna be a writer
so why don't you go out and get a real freekin real job
like yer goody two shoes brother werking with yer dad at Walmart...

and ok - so they won't make you a 40 hour a week guy
so they don't has to give you bendafits
but lord knows y'u'll be called on every week for "overtime"
and end up doing 50 hours or better anyways
yeah sure, Mom...

cause the big curtain sale is tomorrow it's 11PM now and ya has to be back at 5AM anyways so hell you may as well stay all freekin night and then he goes off to have a power lunch with his fellow knuckle draggers all conjolin or whatever the hell Walmart managers do feeding on the kindsa hotdawgs you can only order from the Club Walmart...

but yer mom does cook good
so you decide yeah you can take her goin on
about how she only has yer best intrest at heart
when she tells ya you'd look handsome in a freekin blue vest
as long as you gets a meal...

so you goes over there
and she's all yer father and brother are werking late tonite
gettin ready fer the big curtain sale tomorrow
as she spoons generous amounts of mom food on yer plate
and yer ignorin the chatter
crammin as fast as you can while she's goin on about
how writing isn't a respectable job
not like werking at the Walmart
and how tomorrow she's goin down there to buy some curtains
till finally yer done eatin so you scuze yerself from the table
and ya runs out the house as she yellin
DON'T YOU WANT DESSERT?!?
what you won't answer
cause ya already knows dessert leads to the
"it's time you settled down with a nice girl,
maybe Debby-Mae that nice cashier at Walmart" talk...

and you wonder why the hell
yer mom doesn't just
greet you at the door when you come over
slap a catalog in yer hand
and say "Welcome to Freekin Walmart" already...

isn't it enuff they took over yer town
do they has to take over yer family too
that's what started me wondering
if maybe Walmart is some sort of base for an alien invasion
the peeple what run Walmart prolly aren't even human
which you can sorta tell just by the way the place is laid out...

they's got the big heavy shit aisle
all the way in the back of the store
where nothing even fits into a freekin cart
so how the hell are you sposed to get that
malaysian made patio furniture set
all the way up to the checkout in the front of the store...

they has like 60 checkout lanes
all staggered this way and that so ya can't find em
but only three of em are even open
and ya can barely get yer cart thru
all the shit they has hanging up around the checkouts
the kinda crap they know you don't want but maybe you'll say
oh fuck it if I'm gonna be in this line forfreekinever
I may as well just clip my damn nails...

the checkout clerks move in slow motion
lookin like they's been taken over by aliens
always has trouble operating the scanners
like what is there to do here
cept run the freekin item over the counter
and let me get the hell outta here
but no, its a huge freekin deal...

it took you a freekin hour to locate an open lane
and to change lanes cause the peeple in front of you
insist on gettin crap what don't have the price marked on it
but finally you gets there and they can't scan an item
so they scream into the intercom
"I NEED A PRICE CHECK IN AISLE #51!"
and now everyone in line is all pisst off with you
cause ya has the nerve
to want to purchase something
what the checkout Walmartian can't scan
so now the store's all abuzz with more lane changin...

and of course no one ever answers those intercom things
so you just kinda stand there
whilst the Walmartian in yer aisle
is chatting with another Walmartian checkout babe
(also waiting on a price check)
shoutin all the way down to where she's at in aisle #3
(which isn't as far as you might think, due to all the staggerin)
about the upcomin curtain sale...

finally you see a manager examinin the unmarked goods over at aisle #3 and you see this strange metal object stickin outta his neck so ya know he's one of them only then you realize that thing is just a pen behind his ear and you were looking at him from the side... but that don't mean he aint a freeking alien just that maybe he doesn't have any pockets in his shirt but that in itself is suspicious as hell

and she's all
"yes he's helping aisle #3 so wait yer freekin turn"
so you tells her look dammit
you has a lot of important shit to do
like most Walmars shoppers
and now that you got yer Walmars shoppin done
you'd like to get to those way important things
that come after yer done yer shoppin at Walmars
so just get the freekin manager over here now
but she just looks at you all funny like and aks
if you intend on payin for them nailclippers...

ya know, it's not all that different over at Kmart
where the Kmartians has that alien blue lite thingy
what's prolly some kinda mind control device
subliminily sayin shit like

"DO NOT WONDER WHAT THE K STANDS FOR" over and over so you don't stop and think about it cause if you did you'd realize the K turnt on its side looks just like those alien things in that Space Invader game what was based on a true story though never made into a TV movie like they did with that story about how the President used to werk for Kmars...

my gawd you don't think it's spread that far
cause now that I think about it
Monica suggested there *is* something alien about his pecker
and we has to take her werd for it
cause who the hell else has ever seen the president's pecker
prolly not even The First Laidy...

maybe we should make presidential weenie photos mandatory from now on
so we can tell if they are actually human
cause I mean the situation is litterally getting outta hand
and if he's gonna be waving it around at every chick what walks by
he may as well be passing out poloroids
cause dammit we aint knowingly gonna vote
someone with an alien pecker into office anytime soon
so they can just stick it to us
like these freekin Walmartians do
when they charge you full price
on shit you know damn well is on sale
and then when you say something about it
they threaten you with a freekin price check...

so no Mom I don't have any plans on werkin at Walmart
or marrying a scanner-challenged Walmartian
and if that means I has to do my own cooking
I has a blender and plenty of ideas
so that's fine...

I intend to make my stand against the space invaders
if I has to destroy them all
with poloroids of the president's alledgedly alien aledged weenie
and believe me
I aint gonna use them freekin cameras
you has to take to have developed by the Walmartians
cause they're just gonna claim they lost 'em...

and I aint gonna stop writing about shit like this acause apparently at this point I'm the only person on this planet exposing alien weeners for what they are I mean this shit has to stop somewhere or the next thing you know we're all gonna be Walmartians, Kmartians, or postal werkers who if not martian themselves are in cahoots with them cause they're always dumping

dawgs hate postal werkers
they just instinktively bark at and attack
anything that's alien
just think about it
when was the last time you saw a dawg
in a Walmart OR a Kmart
which is a damn good question
cause its not even like
well maybe you has seen 'em in the Kmart
but not the Walmart
or maybe you saw one in Walmart
but never in Kmart
they don't go in either one of em
dawgs stay the hell away from these freekin martians...

I've seen peeple having to leave their dawgs in the car
when they go into these martian joints
cause dawgs just refuse to go in
I've never even seen my brother's dawg in Walmart
and dammit, he WORKS there, so whats up with that...

you has to trust dawgs
cause they're our best friends
stay the hell away from the freekin martians
cause they're taking over
and using some kinda mind control...

Don't freekin aks me what the hell is goin on here - some sorta culture clash I spose.

maybe it's in that shopping music they play oh sure you THINK yer hearing Barry Manilow singing "Oh Mandy" but it's really some weerdassed intergalactic crap zippin thru yer head all unawares saying shit you can't quite hear but still sinks in, like "bring in yer dawgs - bring in yer dawgs" and "have yer weenie pitchers developed here" and "we has our underwear half off in the Ladies Department" and "listen to yer mom and become a Walmartian"...

only you can't hear the werds cause yer too distracted by wonderin what the hell is UP with Barry Manilow as if you could ever answer that question but my guess would be that at some point he werked in one of these martian joints and they gave him an implant only this time it wasn't just a pen behind the ear maybe they even shoved it up his ass...

well we can only speculate here
but you never see this guy walking
he's either standing up all stiff
like there's something shoved up his ass
or he's sitting on it
so you have to go with circumsizial evidence...

not that there isn't more uncanny shit
like you never see a dawg around Barry Manilow either
what autta tell you something
cause lord knows if there's a dawg around
he's got his nose up your crotch
which is annoying as hell...

like those "peeple" called greeters
what stand at the Walmartian entrances
who may as well be
sticking their freeking nose in yer freekin crotch
you go in and they starts yellin
"welcome to Walmars" like yer a freekin moron
what wouldn't know where you were without this "customer service"
instead of manning one of the 47 empty checkout lanes
so peeple don't has to stand in line for freekin ever
with nothin to do but clip their freekin nails
and look at displays of stupid ass magazines
what claim Nostradamus
had a space probe up his ass and shit like that...

and yer watching the ol lady being checked out
12 peeple ahead of you in line all waitin
whilst she's fumblin through some lil purse
she can't even fit her hand into
for a freekin penny
I guess cause she's gonna show everybody
how galledammed normal she is by having exact change...

like I give a fly in shit about that
when the werld's being taken over by Walmartians
and we're payin them to freekin do it
even to the point of giving the bastards exact change
and holding up the freekin line
when all you wanna do is
get yer Walmartian generic ex-lax checked out
and get the hell home and sit there on the can
going thru the freekin useless assed junkmail
they crammed yer box with today...

like yer really gonna leap up off the hopper
all oh YAY freekin A
I sure can use this coupon to get
a free 12 point air conditioning check done on my car
like they're EVER gonna say
oh yes yer a/c is just fine
and let you just drive away for free...

specially in them Kmartian auto places where you leave yer car and they calls you up on the phone at werk when yer in the middle of a freekin meeting and they're all we has yer car's engine broke down into 1400 parts and yer gonna need a new tailpipe and prolly a new engine do you want us to proceed? like yer gonna say

so finally you get yer bizniz done on the john
and find out the ol' lady
used all the freekin shit paper again
so you holler out fer her but there's no answer
and then you notice
she left you a note on the mirror in lipstick what says
"gone to Walmars to get toilet paper"
so yer supposed to just sit there all day and hope to gawd
she don't come back with one of those martian implants
stickin out of her neck
and starts wearing turtleneck stuff to cover it up
only even then you can see the bump sometimes
if the lighting is good...

not like the lighting on that X-Files show which bugs the hell outta me cause I keep squinting to see what's goin on only I can't I think they just turn off the lights so they don't have any expenses for sets and keep the electric bill down...

that show pisses me off anyways
sure they has taken on all kindsa weerd subjects
from UFOs to trees with roots what suck blood
but they has yet to confront the Walmartian issue straight on...

maybe that's cause
ya can't do a show about Walmars without lighting
I dunno but I doubt I'd buy into the concept
watching Sculley go into a Walmars
and a Walmartian does that spooky
"Welcome to Walmars" shit
only you can't see what they look like
cause this is X freekin Files
and they won't spend any freekin money on lights
so you miss seein that Walmartians
look just like you and I
except for them jacket/vest things they wear
that're a dead giveaway
but you wouldn't know Al Trebek about that
if they kept all the freekin lights off
you'd be in the dark about any of this
trippin all over stuff
in the big heavy shit department...

and there'd be this hot Walmartian checkout babe she can't even operate a freekin scanner and since it's as dark as X freekin files she can't read the prices to type em in so she calls fer a freekin price check, all "I NEEDS A PRICE CHECK IN AISLE #51 ON A ZOMBIE ALIEN - UH - ALLTOPSY ACTION FIGURE...

meanwhile all these Walmartians are jumpin out in the dark at shoppers and turning them into zombies or some shit but you wouldn't be able to see that you'd just have to sit there and listen to Sculley tellin Maulder about it and of course then he'd flash back to his own childhood Walmart experiences what cause they won't use no freekin lights on that show

but not like the woo woo noises
you make when yer gettin off
more like the woo woo noises
you make when yer werkin in Walmart
and there's no lites
and yer tryin to scare the hell outta the shoppers
who don't know whether to be more scared
of yer jumpin out in the dark all woo woo
or of the PA system playin Barry freekin Manilow
singin "Copacobana" or some shit like that...

and there's a Kmars commercial on and they has Lavern and Rosie O freekin Donnell both wearin spandex leotards telling you they do all their shoppin at Kmart which of course splains a whole lot of shit I won't go into except to say Rosie O Donnel's show autta be made by the freekin X-Files crew

about the Werld Wrasseling Federation and she, dressed in her spandex goes up against Jerry Springer dressed in clothes he bought at a Barry freekin Manilow auction complete with boa and latex white platformed heels and she beats the hell outta him and he starts crying and shit so Rosie tags off to Laverne

who jumps in the ring and kicks Jerry in the balls... and he starts going wooo woooo woooo wooo and shit and the crowd is goin wooo wooo wooo and yer going wooo wooo wooo and that's when it hits you that this is how freekin martians talk and maybe it's too late now cause every freekin body has been shopping at Kmars and Walmars

all the while his hands under the desk... and maybe a whole lotta yous are wondering who the hell is Merv Griffin and all I can tell you is he used to have a show like The Tonite Show only it sucked even werser so he made up two TV game shows one callt "Jeopardy" and the other the "Wheel of Fortune"...

like Alex Trebeck says "The catagory is Alien Sounds: 'Woo Woo' for 200 dollars" and the contestent screams out "What is the chorus to Midnight Train From Georgia by Gladys Knight and The Pimps, Alex?" and Alex (who has the freekin answer on a card) says very wisely "no, that's Glady's Knight and the PIPS"...

"Show me an F!" so then if there is an F they has this Vanna chick what turns the letter over but if there isn't an F she makes a real goofy body movement what's supposed to mean there aint no freekin F and its really just Hangman cept for the chick parts but - and this is the important part

what's up with those prizes anyways
I mean are we supposed to believe
that this freekin luggage set
is really werth 8000 bucks
when we has all seen the Walmartians
undercutting that by maybe 7949 dollars
but when the audience sees this fabulous luggage
they're all "woooooooo" like it's some big prize
and these are the same peeple you see in Walmars
all "woooooooo" over the price of some luggage
made in Yugoslobia...

so as I said earlier, it may be too late
to defend ourselves against the martians
who has weapons like Barry freekin Manilow
aimed at all of us
we're no more able to stop this invasion
than we are to see a Werld Wrassling Federation match
atween Alex Trebeck and Barry Manilow
though you must agree
that would be one hell of a match...

maybe a tag team
with Alex and Curly against Barry and Laverne
and you can bet yer ass if they did do that
it' be sponsert by one of the martian outfits
prolly Kmart - and next thing you'd know
you'd be seeing
"The Greatest WWF Tag Teams Of All Time Action Figures"
bein offert at Burger King
and every week there'd be a different set
like "Hillary and Jerry Springer
vs Zsa Zsa Gabor and Merv Griffin"
and "Pat Sayjack and The Walmartian Door Greeter
vs Sculley and Mulder"
only they'd black that one out
which would suck...

you might find yerself
in a MacDonald's drive thru
being aksed "do you want a shake with that?"
and you'd say somethin like
"no, but gimmie one of those
'Rosie O Donnel vs the Crotch Sniffin Dawg' sets"...

and kids would start imitating these WWF matches
and beat the hell outta each other
all nyuck nyuck nyuck and wooo woooo wooooo
and they'd prolly make Playstation games
like "Jeopardy - The Nightmare Returns" and
"The Wheel Of Fortune Hosted By Hulk Hogan"
with sorta realistic 3D rendering
of the contestents bending over to spin the wheel
complete with Sensaround Sound
of all the resulting flatulence...

and you know
how those games always crap out and crash
and go dark just afore you rack up that highest score ever
well at that point
you could pretend it's an X-Files game
and sit there lookin at the black screen
yankin on yer joystick going "wooo wooo Sculley"
cause lord knows when you turn out all the lights
she is freekin hot
but then so too is Zsa Zsa unless she starts talking
a lot like that chick on The Nanny
which I think may be okay to watch
cause I never heard anyone say "woo woo" on that show...

shit I even heard Mike Wallace go "woo woo" on 60 Minutes one time when he was interviewing Rosie Greer but thought he was interviewing Rosie O Donnell which kinda tole me k it's time this ol fart retired from that show and took a job as a Walmartian door greeter or some shit like that then he'd be standing in the doorway in a trenchcoat saying "Welcome to Walmars - Wanna see me expose something?" and you think the dawgs are afraid of that place now...

and did you ever notice how Andy Rooney really really sucks I mean the guy has eyebrows the size of Delaware fer gawdsake go to a freekin barber and get a trim... fortunately they never make us look in his ears I can only imagine what that would be like

and a big story lately has been about WHERE this X-Files show is shot like it freekin matters it could be shot in a freekin walk-in closet fer all anyone would know but this is the kinda shit you can expect to put up with now that the martians has took over everything anyways don't say I dint warn you cause I did and keep yer freekin woo woos to yerselves.

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