Spare Parts
by Bob Grubb		Perhaps Your Next Part Should Be Previously Owned

So I dunno if you heard this story
where this guy, he's like 49 yrs old,
put one of his livers or somethin like that
up for auction on eBay...

and his auction listing was all he's a non smoker
who smoked 4 to 6 packs a day for 35 years
but how he had the good sense to quit
before listin one of his livers on eBay
and he don't drink alkohall unless he's awake
so he's in excellent health...

and how he's only sellin one of his livers
cause his wife needs a new washing machine
and how he prefers PayPal
even though he's straight
and dammit if you send a check you gotta wait till it clears
and how there's no picture of his liver
cause he don't want to take it out
till the auction closes
so it'll be fresh...

and on and on about there won't be any tax
unless yer Canadian
and how the liver could be returnt within 30 days
but there'd be a 25% re-stocking charge
and all kindsa crap about how
if you di'n't intend to pay for the liver
don't bid on the freekin liver dammit
cause there's some sorta law or somethin
how if you win the bid on a liver
you has to pay for it
or people will start to talk....

and there were stars in the listing
what showed the guy had sold on eBay 64 times
and had 98% positive feedback
and if you clicked on that
you got all the comments people left
about their experiences buying body parts offa this guy...

"WOW! I got my left forefinger in 3 days! A+++" -Badfinger9
"Fast delivery! I can't wait to get my new prostate gland installed!!" -palmettodude
"TWO THUMBS UP! Would definitely buy from again!!!" -parts_reseller
and one negative one what said
"my wife said the part I ordered looked like it came out of a washing machine"
and the guy with the liver had left a response to that what said
"buyer refused to accept a replacement short intestine"
anyways you could click to see his other listings too...

one of em was a dutch auction for 12 kidneys
and how they were way better
than the kidneys you'd find elsewhere on eBay
and why not stock up they make excellent gifts
but anyways gettin back to the guy's liver auction...

he's still goin on about his freekin liver
sayin why should you wait for a donor
cause who the hell in their right mind
is gonna just give away one of their livers
so why wait for months maybe even years for a liver
when he's offerin you his own right here
with an opening bid of only a dollar
and a Buy It Now price of $72,000
and on and on about what he's now callin
his Previously Owned liver...

anyways some guy with a bad short intestine tole eBay about the auction and eBay was all wut and the guy says well you can't just let people sell body parts on yer website and eBay was all why so the guy says don't make me take this hose outta my ass and eBay was all k and removed the auction and issued the followin statement to address the concerns of disappointed Previously Owned liver bidders...

"Humans, the human body
or any human body parts
may not be listed on eBay
or included as a gift, prize
or in connection
with a giveaway or charity.
Especially hoses."

so dayam,
right there they closed the gift loophole
now ya can't even give yer feekin liver away
so people started saying
what about those popup windows what say

and they had experts comin on TV
debating over the pros and cons
of trading Previously Owned human body parts
and how maybe leasing might be a better way to go
till one chick says yeah but you can't lease shit offa eBay
and the guy she was debating was all
so - maybe eBay will change their policy to
"you can't sell yer body parts - even as a prize
but you can lease yer body parts on eBay"
and the chick says
how are you gonna have a dutch lease
and he was all Jane you ignorant slut
and they came to fisticuffs...

so anyways the liver guy sooze eBay for a gazillion dollars or somethin and the lawyer for eBay says in court that they has the right to keep body parts offa their website and the guy's lawyer asked their lawyer to tell the court what body parts were offa their website so the eBay lawyer is all wut so the guy's lawyer says isnt it true you let people sell body fluiids and the eBay lawyer was all why so the guy's lawyer says how'd you like that hose ripped outta yer ass, so the judge says this sucks and tosses the case out onto the Supreme Court...

and then the Congress got all pissy
cause the Supreme Court was decidin
too much stuff that should be decided by
Congress and they would've passed a bill
allowing Previously Owned parts
to be bought offa eBay
but only for medical use
and not from Canada
but they couldn't decide
after Ted Kennedy said the Republicans
were just tryin to privatize the nation's
Previously Owned human body parts industries
and I think that's when Oral Hatch
mounted the podium
and tried to take bids on his parts
of course the lobbyists were way into that
so the whole thing turnt into a filletbuster
with lobbyists coming to fisticuffs
over Oral Hatch's spleen...

but then it got complicated
cause the President of the United States
issued an Executive Order
allowing the sale of body parts on eBay
cause that's where he got his brains...

and Oprah Winfrey is on TV interviewing the liver guy
all I have you to thank for my left forefinger so tell me
is this a painful experience for you
and he's like yeah the ol lady cut me off
till I gets her a new washin machine
and she's like no, I mean to cut yer liver out
and he's all wut
and she's like does it freekin hurt
to cut one of yer livers out after an auction
and he's all oh yeah that
well the first couple of times are hard
so she says so what will you do
if some branch of government
actually does something...

so he says he's just gonna have to go back
to mass emailing campains and how he's considerin
random dialing cellphones with shit like
"I'm planning on being in your neighborhood tomorrow
so I can stop by and show you one of my livers which
you can lease for only 39.95 a month for 4 years
and I'll give you a FREE AOL 9.0 disk just fer lookin"...

and Oprah gets all teary eyed and says
how she'd hate to see that have to go down
so she urges everyone to send email to everyone they know
and for everyone they know to in turn email everyone they know
and so on
to get the word out
that AOL 9.0 rocks
and if they don't send the email
to everyone they know
all kindsa shit's gonna happen
for example one woman in Topeka Kansas
di'n't send the email to everyone she knew
and the next day the Psychic Hotline
sent her a bill for 832 dollars
and all she could say was
she shoulda seen it comin
but another guy wrote a virus
that would send the email to a gazillion people
and the virus would be an attachment on the email
what would make the same email
go out to every body
in these gazillion people's
email address books automatically
and all these buzillions of people di'n't even
have to do anything to pass it on
so nothin bad happent to nobody
and the next day that guy
got an exclusive 12 billion dollar contract
to build a state of the art
Previously Owned body parts dealership in Iraq...

so some people started whinin
why should Iraq get a 12 billion dollar
Previously Owned body parts dealership
when right here in this own country
you can't even lease a liver offa eBay...

but that di'n't last long hardly at all
cause the President made a speech
sayin those what disagreed
with him was unpatriotic
and how much the Iraqi people appreciated us
goin over there and settin up
a Previously Owned human body parts industry
and that's when Al Franken said yeah
but Mr. President you got yer brains offa eBay
and Bill O'Reilly was all so what Franken
you got yers offa Google
then Franken says Bill you ignorant slut
and they came to fisticuffs...

so Barbara freekin Walters is on now
interviewin Arnold Swartchineighbors
and she's all wheaw do you stand
on the pweviously-owned body pawts issue
and he's all I vant to leeguhlize paht dealerships
but just then California caught fire
and everyone just inhaled...

when you think about it as I do - a lot
it's yer gawd given reconstitutedional right
to auction yer body off as you see fit
still, you has to exercise yer freedom responsibly
you just can't stand up in a crowded theater and yell out
MY LIVER'S ON FIRE!!!! and shit like that.

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