Ya know that Jo Jo Rollings chick what writes them Harry Potter movies they made into books is pretty dayam hot... I can't read the Potter books cause I lose focus daydreamin about me and Jo Jo and I'm bein all smooth with lines like "do ya have any Harry Potter in ya?" and she'd be all "don't make me turn you into a frog" or some shit like that and I'd be all "Jo Jo, that's way too kinky even for me" but anyways this aint about Jo Jo's overactive imagination this is about spottin aliens...

cept stead of writin bout martians Jo Jo writes about magical people but everything she writes about the magical people can be applied to aliens... magical people what are always up to somethin just like the real life aliens they stand for

like decidin what alien clan yer gonna be allfillyated with
by a talkin hat tellin you where to get off
the alien version of pickin yer name out of a hat
well ya may as well be pickin yer future alma matter outta yer ass...

and that aint the only weird shit aliens do what no one human does
did you ever go shoppin fer a freekin wand fer cripes sake
and how often do ya has to aks
"is that a freekin owl in yer pocket
or are ya just gettin a call on yer cellphone?"
but enough about Potter and the Purple Freekin People Eaters...

you can't spot an alien by the way they look cause they looks just like you and me unless it was like that movie where this guy all comes into town only it aint really a town it's a bigass city and he's lookin for werk just like everyone else down at the shanty town where all the homeless people gather and mill about the way they do in the movies but even in the crowd you can pick the star out cause he's a got a mullet and at first you think that thats why the movie's callt 'They Live'... but it turns out instead that "They"

so where there used to be three Swedish chicks on a billboard doin things to a beer bottle what makes ya just wanna run out, pick up a case of whatever they're havin, go home, stand in front of a mirror and enter yerself into a self-induced wet tshirt contest... anyways instead of three chicks and a bottle the billboard is now all white with

giant black letters what say OBEY so he looks around and all the signs are just blank with one word on em like SLEEP or SUBMIT I ferget all the details cause I'd had a couple too many beers or a dozen but I think one of the billboards said SWEDISH CHICKS REPORT TO THE BREWERY...

and the alien see's the good guy is starin at him
so he's all "what are you lookin at"
and the mullet-o says somethin like
"I'm lookin at about the most gawd awful *BEEP* ugly
son of a *BEEP* mother*BEEP*
what the *BEEP* are you sposed to *BEEP*in be
cause you sure as *BEEP* look like the gawd*BEEP*
*BEEP*in booger man"...

obviously the snothead's a *BEEP*in pussy
cause he gets into his car and drives off
so now, Mr. Mullett can't believe his eyes
and he takes the glasses off
and all the sudden
even the cops look human...

the boogerhead knows the mullethead
could tell he was a slimey alien
so the next thing ya know he's
talkin into his watch all "See-er spotted"...

and now here comes the cops and all of em are freekin aliens chasin after this guy and he runs into a crowded bank with this big ass gun everyone starts screaming and fallin on the floor and he says "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass and I'm all out of bubblegum"

and starts blowin away aliens left and right and everytime he shoots one ya see their boogers get spattered all over the walls cause it's an R-Rated movie... Ya know, I trained to be a writer but I shoulda been a genius cause if I hadda been I'da made a gazillion pairs of them glasses and saved myself a hell of a lot of typin...

aliens are all over the place they've established bases what infiltrate every nieghboorhood west of the atlantic Wal-mars, K-mars, KFC, to name just a few countless illegal aliens lookin all just like you and I stalkin around pretendin to be human and turnin real humans into space zombies prolly... seein as the glasses thing aint gonnna happen

for instants
spose where you werk
someone's tellin yer boss it's quittin time
and every day she's always all "I forgot"
well yeah she fergot
cause she's a freekin alien...

and she never takes a freekin vacation
well there you have it
humans don't just take a damn vacation
they demand it
humans are just like that
all humans
hell even the freekin Spanish
know when it's time
to get away from it all...

say you call a pizza joint
and they answer the phone
and they're all 5 minutes of
"would you like to try our special
5 large deep dish pizzas
with a minimum of 7 toppins each
and yer choice of either
a five pound box of asparagused bread
or 101 deep fried cheese puffs
and 24 liters of coke for only 89.99 today?"
there's a damn good likelyhood
ya has an alien on the line
cause humans know that people callin in orders
already freekin know what they want...

so yer like no ya don't wanna try a dayam thing you di'n't call up for
and that yer lookin for somethin a lil less
involved...

to aks what to do when the caller don't say yes to the "would you like to try to actually eat all this stuff?" thing and Ms. Zargon or whatever the hell his boss's name is who never takes a freekin vacation is all "did you learn nothin at the academy?" and the pizza guy's all "wut" so Ms. Zargon rolls all six of her eyes and says "if they don't take the special then send someone over with their order to check em out cause obviously they aint zombies yet

they gets so confused that when they show up at yer front door checkin out yer zomboildelasticity under the pretext of deliverin a freekin pizza they're too dazed to check you out they just open up the pouch thing lookin all confused like which of the one pizza in this freekin pouch thing is yers? and ya gives em the money and they stumble off all "where am I" and yer stuck with a freekin pizza that aint even close to yer order but ya sure as hell aint gonna call up and complain cause ya don't wanna go thru the whole

what's almost just as important as knowin how to spot aliens
is knowin how to spot the humans
what the aliens has successfully turnt into space zombies
just knowin they're called space zombies
goes a long way toward makin a positive identification
cause these are spaced out people what move like zombies...

they're the ones givin you onions on yer double cheeseburger mustard-only drive thru order what ya don't discover till yer 5 freekin miles from the BurgerKink and you storm into the main lobby cause you'll be dayamed if yer gonna sit in that freekin car line again and they're all "I thought you said mustard-onions" so you get yer freekin double cheeseburger and peel out of the parking lot all wound up tight and ready to enjoy yer fuckin space zombie-made lunch and then ya open it up and it's onions only...

they could be yer freekin ex in-laws
so there you are
cause yer ex used to make you go over there
and one of em says
"I has no idea what I wants to eat
so I'm gonna call the pizza place
to see what they suggest"
and all the others think that's a good plan...

yer waiting fer em to get their freekin gas
so you can pull up to the pump
while they're lookin all around dazed
wavin the freekin hose around
wonderin where the voice is coming from
what's tellin them they has to come inside to pay
like it's a freekin miracle or some shit like that...

and they drives around in them cars
with the boom booom boom bass thing goin on
shoutin into their cellphones all "can you hear me now?"
and it's like geezus freekin crispies
I could hear you
when you were 10 miles up the road ya lil space zombie twit
and what's up with the freekin ball cap...

or yer boss calls you into her office like its crisis management time
and aks you for lunch ideas
which can be taken a lotta ways but ya know ya sure as hell
aint gonna give yer boss a raise
so yer like
"why don't you call the pizza place
and see what they suggest"
and she thinks that's a great idea
so yer like thank gawd she wasn't aksin fer sex
cause herassment's
every freekin where you look
and gettin bigger everyday...

I could tell you stories what would
scare the piss out of an armadillo
but I don't have to
just think about Harry Potter
even if ya aint read it
and run down to the Super Walmars
and rent that movie 'They Live' and watch it
and *then* you tell me
the freekin aliens aint takin over.

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