Time Travel   by Bob Grubb The last time I was on the can last week I guess I was thinkin back to how life was when we didn't have the martians sellin us stuff we never needed before - like electric cheese graters...

anyways I'd left my research papers I'd normally work on in here in the bedroom so I had nothing to occupy myself with but I has one of those toilet paper rollers what plays "Tighten Up" when ya starts rollin yerself some shit paper so it's goin like "Hi everybody I'm Artchie Bell of the Drells From Houston, Texas"... these days Art Bell has his own perilnormal radio talk show once I heard him interviewin this guy who was saying that various governments has made secret deals with the aliens so that if the governments help the alien invaders turn people into space zombies they'll give em advanced alien weaponry to wage wars against each other for the aliens' further amusement...

anyways ,there I was on the can
and I'd gotten to the
"tighten up on that organ now"
part on the roll
when it occurred to me
that prolly the only thing we has
to really defeat the aliens
is time travel
cause we could go back to 1947
to Roswell, New Mexicota
when there was just 2 of em
(named K and Wal)
(yep - Mr. and Mrs. Mars) and astopped em from breedin...

Alien chicks are ugly enough. A post-wax exam reveals Kay stayed in the suntan booth a bit too long.

unless they anticipated what we would do
cause they'd already
gone into the future
with their time machine
only we might have seen them do that
and go back before they went ahead...

	time travel is a good way to go back or forward in time it'd solve a lot of problems a woman could get pregnent then zip ahead in time and skip the delivery and her husband could go back in time and get it on with the ol' lady the way they used to before they had these kids...

Einstein said it's all relative
so maybe the smaller stuff is
the longer time is
cause sometimes when I take a step
I think dayam
I just squished prolly about
a gazillion galaxies out of existence
if not
they'll walk funny the rest of their lives
and I think holy gajeeburz
if time goes at the same rate for them
as it does for me
it was over for them in no time at all...

you know
like down there's this subatomic sized guy
chattin up some hot chick
with hooters sized to the power of minus 36 DD
and he's tryin to get into cohabitationals with hers

	so he says "what say you and I go back to my place and discuss evolution?" then I put my foot down and WHAM that guy aint never gonna get laid cause an entire parking lot of galaxies was just wiped out and he was under it...

it just seems to stand to hopeful reason
that for them it took
like 19 gazillion lite years
for my foot to approach
you'd sorta expect just the opposite
unless you relocate to a quantum dimension...

see when you goes into outerspace
it takes years to get any dayam where
so logically my foot would go way faster
traveling thru a miniscule universe
then through a maxiscule one
likes ya find Uranus in...

but this is where science
gets slicker than snot on a doorknob
cause that hole time/space thing
holds up only within a band of possibilities
a band like you see on a spectrum...

so fer examples' sake (and claritin)
this range we occupy
that is observable to us
by any means we are able to devise
is magenta...

but you go down to the level
where an atom is a solar system
and yer no longer in the same spectrum
yer now standing on indigo
or some shit like that...

	little teeny tiny people I mean way fucking tiny will be all over you with shit like "are you a goodwich or a badwich" and you'll have no freekin idea what they're talkin about yer just tryin to get this damn indigo shit offa yer shoes...

and then it occurs to you
this indigo band
is like the twilite zone or some shit
maybe the outer limits
and you decide to just haul yer ass back home...

but when ya gets there it's like the 4033rd century and the Earth's been spinnin so freakin long it's turnt flat as a pancake and everyone fell off except the Chinese... and ya can't understand a dayam thing they're sayin but ya knows they be talkin about you... and in the end

and whilst Artchie was singin
"everybody can do it
but don't you get too tight"
the forces of the universe
came to a junction there in my baffroom
so everything just clicked
and I knew the secret of time travel
was in my grasp
in the other hand...

but then I was all
hold on there self
ya don't wanna be
rippin the fabric of time
whilst yer sittin on the can...

well hell
I aint even gonna rip the shit paper off
till I gets to the end of Tighten Up...

ya know my musical shit paper dispenser is one of my most prized possesions but I don't really need this alien technology in the hopper I could re-install the regular shit paper roller and buy an iPod...

the aliens make all this alien crap
and they has all sorts equipment we don't even know about
they prolly just put a drawing in one end of a machine
along with a shovelful of recycled tires
and two shovelfulls of tossed-out
non-stick non-scratch cookware
no one would throw out
if it actually worked
and out pops a Lean Mean Grilling Machine...

ya hear people bitchin and moanin
about how all our jobs are goin overseized
and it's like yeah
we can't manufacture a damn thing anymore
we manufactured so much shit
we don't have anything left to make anything out of...

aliens are some sneeky-assed invaders
they make all this crap (we don't need)
and they put it in the Isles of Walmars
all marked down with a deep discount
what makes ya just stop and go
geezus freekin crispies I can remember
when ya couldn't get a 2.5 gallon travel pack
of Arizona Tea for under a buck
or else they aint marked at all
not one of em
and there's no freekin sign
and the ONLY reason you came to Walmars today
was to get some o that Arizona Tea...

but anyways, all that's beside the point
cause sure Arizona Tea is cheap there
but so is every freekin thing else
and now there's so much more "else"
than we has ever entertained
all over the face of this lady we call Earth...

so ok, say you goes to Walmars
and this time it aint all about Arizona Tea
and you walk around in that confused stumble
ya know where you aint gonna let go
of that shopping cart handle...

hey
park yer freekin shopping cart
at the end of the aisle
in front of the dog and cat salt and pepper shakers
nobody's even gonna stop to look at
and walk your largish American frame up the aisle
so maybe if we all suck in our bellies as far as we can
we'll be able to get around you
let go of the cart dammit
it isn't a damn walker on wheels...

so during yer shoppin experience say you see 84 "deals"
I won't go thru all 84 if I can help it
but just to go over a few for the sake of claratage
there was the 8000 foot
lime-green indoor/outdoor extension cord for 2.87
and a 55 gal industrial-strength
injection molded trash cans on wheels
with a remote control for 14 bucks or so
and that 15 pound bag of popcorn
you grabbed from the stack on the way to checkout
man that was only 3 bucks...

and now here comes the newest thing
in shopping-challenged shopping
the SUV shoppingmobile
for the shopping-challenged person
what has a lot to haul around...

	so here ya are tryin to find the checkout surrounded by shopping-challenged SUVs in the coffee maker aisle and now ya can't see shit... finally you get to checkout with yer freekin 84 items and it comes to $264.18 that's like an average of pi per item I think I've never been good at astrology... so fine, you got some real good deals but ya spent more than you had on shit ya dint need...

and if you'd just gone down to
The Mom & Pop's Inc. grocery store
snuck in, picked up the ol' lady's Kotex,
snuck out, and drove yer ass straight home
aint none of this shit woulda happened.

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