Adverstizers have this need
to tell us crap we do NOT want to hear discussed
like feminine hyjean products...

it's bad enough they has an entire aisle
at the grocery store with all this stuff
from lil pipecleaner thingys, all the way up
to industrial sized boxes of I-dont-care-to-know-what
but looks like it'd supply a freekin convent of nuns through lent...

and you can't get away from it
even when yer just mindin yer own bizniz grocery shoppin
you just wanna get the hell outta there so you can get home in time fer Baywatch
and you think - oh hell - I'm outta ketchup
so you go lookin fer yer favorite, Heinz 57 Varietys, only ya miss a turn
and the next thing you know yer walkin through the Aisle of Absorbancy...

and then, you can't get past two wimmins with carts
standin right smack dab in the middle of the freekin aisle
holdin boxes of this stuff
talkin about I don't know what but maybe
"oh the new super absorbant triple winged with arch support Wadex Supers are much cheaper if you buy them by the pallet"
and the other one's all like
"well I use Plunge&Lunge tampons to fit into my busy lifestyle - cause I go on a lotta carnival rides, do aerobics, and still put in a full day's werk as a stripper at Tommy Guido's Authentic WonTon Soup Palace, and that sorta stuff when I'm havin my period"...

and I'm thinkin ya aint buyin em to fit into yer freekin LIFESTYLE
so fer gawdsake - shut the hell up,
grab a box of those lil pipecleaner thingys
and let me get THRU this freekin aisle...

then they look up and notice me and I know they're like
"Its one of THEM... in OUR aisle"
like Mrs. Slapabigtowelorsomeshitoverit wasn't in mens underwear a few minutes ago
and I'm fairly positive I saw Miss Plug&Play in hardware handlin a set of rachit wrenches...

but it's like ok
I "chose" to do my grocery shoppin at the big ass Super Wal-Mars
so me havin to deal with crap I shouldn't outta have to deal with
is by my own choosing - I mean I could freekin starve to death...

but it's totally different when yer at home, checkin babes on Baywatch,
and here comes a freekin commercial you do NOT wanna see
and it's got these two wimmins with carts
standin in the freekin middle of the aisle
holdin boxes and discussin the "special" bond of menstraightsin...

and one's goin "I like the safety of knowin I'm practically wearin a diaper" and the other's like "I always felt the cork-on-a-rope approach best fit the inner me"... and they both smile at each other like they just shared a special moment only two wimmin, one who'd consider hip boots and the other who'd entertain a freekin drive thru swab job, can have...

and the narrader comes all over the TV with
"It's TWO - TWO - TWO MINTSTRAIGHTSINS IN ONE!"
and now one of the wimmins blockin the aisle
pours BLUE liquid on her Wadex...

what's up with this blue liquid
hell - go over one aisle, pick up a bottle of Heinz 57 Varietys ketchup
and let's see what that superabsorbant queen-size blanket can do...

then the other woman has this beaker of the same BLUE shit
and she dips this white owl cigar on a string lookin thing into it
and it turns blue
and it's like DUH - you could stick a frog in that shit and it'd turn blue
hell you could prolly pour that crap into yer radiater
cause it sure as hell LOOKS like anti-freeze...

ya know, if I had that blue crap comin outta me I wouldn't play about it
I'd go fer the superabsorbant pants *mattress* thing
some wimmin insist on wearin under spandex
cause I sure as hell wouldn't want that blue crap runnin down my freekin legs
and givin me that Toxic Socks Syndrome...

and then the narrader comes all over again with
"strong enough for a radiator but made fer wimmin"
and I'm like dammit
all I just wanna do is throw down a few beers and watch Baywatch
like is this too freekin much to ask
and here I has to sit insteadsomely
lissenin to two wimmins discussin the pros and cons of feminine hyjeans...

look
you want efishint absorbaspillity, call Rosie dammit
cause Rosie'd know how to do this rite
she'd be a waitress takin an order
and someone'd knock over the ketchup, and she'd say -

"oh I'll get that, cause I'm on the rag this week"

and whip a roll of Bunting Sanitary Napkins outta her purse
rip off a few sheets
and clean up the ketchup...

and the guy who spilt it would be like "wow Rosie - those Bunting Sanitary Napkins sure do a great job soaking up spilt ketchup!" and maybe "get it offa my shoe! get it offa my shoe!"... then Rosie'd hold up this Wadex-on-a-roll napkin and after showin how the ketchup don't run off, it just keeps soakin in she'd say "yep - its the quicker picker upper" and then she'd get out two glasses to demonstrate...

oh wait - let's be clear about this
I aint talkin Rosie O Freekin Donnel
cause she's prolly the LAST person on earth
I wanna see wavin around a ketchup loaded sanitary napkin...

ok then finally they stop with the stoopit adverstizementstration
and get back to Baywatch - only now it's kinda ruined cause now I'm wonderin
if maybe the only reason Pamela's able to leap about and make her hooters jiggle
is cause she be smokin white owls this week, as they says in more polite cirles...

so another commercial comes on
another one I do NOT wanna see - OR hear about, but it's on my tube
two different wimmin, but I know it's the same carts
standin in the middle of the freekin aisle
talkin bout yeast inflections...

and one's sayin her guynocallajest has been lookin at hers for nearly a year
and the other one says somethin I di'n't hear what, but I think she aksed her
"well has you thought about seein a freekin baker?"...

and I'm like good gravy
so I yell at the TV
HEY! YOU LADIES WANNA GET RID OF THAT YEAST INFLECTION?
MOVE THEM FREEKIN CARTS OVER ONE FREEKIN AISLE AND PICK UP ONE OF THOSE
'FOR INSTITUTIONAL USE ONLY' SIZED BOTTLES OF HEINZ 57 VARIETYS KETCHUP
AND APPLY LIBERALLY
which I figger should werk pretty good cause when you put ketchup on bread
to make lil fake pizzas, it sorta melts the bread
I think cause the yeast goes into immediate compostage or some shit like that...

and now the narrader's sayin
"The good news is that yer yeast inflection can now be cleared up in 24 hours"
and I'm like, at last - a yeasticide is available without a prescription
thank you Lewy 'the Yeastinator' Pasture
now - shut the hell up and get the freekin hell offa my TV cause I'm tryin to watch Baywatch...

but still they go on and now the narrader is sayin
in a voice like they use when they're talkin to 2 year olds on that telechubbies show
ya know, the one with the purple homo noid
"this product could produce side effects includin but not limited to
loss of hair
inability to breathe for like 18 hours
may melt bread, and should not be used
by wimmins nursin or plannin to order fries"...

and what the hell is up with this
"be sure to inform yer doctor if you missed yer kidney this month
or if you are troubled with collapsed intestines"
what kinda doctor do you have if you have to tell THEM what's wrong with yer ass...

anyways then next they show ya how this yeasticide stuff works
and it looks just like that crap ya pour in radiators to make em stop leakin
so now I'm thinking, what the hell is UP with this radiator crap anyways
but then Baywatch comes back on
so I pop open another can o brew and get ready to see what's shakin this episoak
but it's just a preview of next week's show...

after that they go back to ANOTHER commercial
and there's the token two wimmins with carts
but this time it's a mom and her daughter
same carts though
freekin standin in the freekin middle of the freekin Aisle of Absorbancy
in the freekin Super Wal-Mars
with that lil homo smiley thing whistlin away in the background

and they're discussin dooshing
and I'm like oh geezus freekin crispies
so Mom's teachin her daughter
whose hyphenation prolly aint even broke yet that the
new-inproved
all-temperature
low-phosphate
lemon-scented
hi-fructose
V-Flush Lite is perfect for when you need
to do this crap NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT every freekin day...

and the other one is noddin
like "gawd - this is the most important thing anyone has ever tole me afore"
so she confesses to Our Lady of the Daily Dooshing somethin I di'n't hear
but prolly somethin like "gee - all these years I used to just go out back with a garden hose"...

cause next thing they show ya is a simulation
a freekin cartoon diagram of a radiator bein flushed
and the narrader makin the standirt disclamer:
"caution: to prevent internal injury use only genuine V-Flush hoses"...

and I'm like - LOOK ladies
go over to the next aisle
pick up a squeeze bottle of Heinz 57 Varietys ketchup and have at it
it's rich in vinegar, and 56 other freekin dooshin requirements...

and my disclamer would be:
"caution: to prevent peeple from havin to know about this shit
use only with genuine Wadex super-absorbant sanitary napkins
and move yer freekin cart out the middle of the freekin aisle
cause this is a freekin Super Wal-Mars, NOT A DOLLDAMMED WADEX CONVENTION"...

I tell ya, even wimmins must get embarressed looking at this stoopit crap
come on
when did you ever see a commercial with a man talkin to his son like
"Son - you see this jar of blue liquid?"
"Yes, Dad?"
"Son, I wants you to dip yer weeny in it everyday"
and the son's like "Why dad?"
and the Dad's like
"Cause I fuckin tole you to is why - now pipedown acause Baywatch is comin on"...

no - you don't see THAT kinda crap on TV
cause men KNOW
blue shit is fer freekin radiators
and Son, don't dip yer weener in the ketchup.

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