Toilets are kinda interesting for a lot of reasons
but one of the most interesting things is that
the flushable toilet was invented by a guy
what had the name Thomas Crapper...

so for a while it wasn't called a toilet at all
it was called a crapper
and then it got to be if you used it you were "taking a crap"
which I doubt made the In–Honor–Of Thomas feel proud...

and what's up with this "taking" a crap anyways
we're "leaving" a crap
but maybe Mrs. Crapper copyrighted that when she may have said
"I'm leaving Ol Man Crapper, acause I'm up to my crapper with taking his crap"...

I remember when I was a kid hearing peeple scuze themselves from dinner
with "Where's yer crapper acause I gotta take a crap"
and back then I thought it was like taking peptol-dismal or somethin
everybody talked about it - it was "crap" this "crap" that...

but back to Mr. Crapper and his invention
well, suppose the thing was invented by a guy named Yohanz Schmidt
then we'd be scuzing ourselves from the table saying
"I love this creamed corn, and by the way, may I please use yer schmidter acause I has to take a schmidt?"
and the ladies would all titter behind their napkins
cause they know what you really mean
is that you gotta take a dump and yer just way too polite to say it that way...

but then suddenly peeple started calling it a toilet
and I've looked and can't find no one named Toilet that had anything to do with this
so that may be why peeple don't say "I need to take a toilet"
I dunno, I just find that kinda odd
but it's not like I've sat around and thought about it a lot...

not the way I think about the toilet seat issue, which really sucks for men
cause you go in to take a leak, like after 12 beers or some shit
whip it out and then find yer pissin all over the freekin seat
acause some woman fergot to leave the freekin thing up
so then you has to put it up so it'll drip dry
I tell you I'm ready to just take the damn seat off
and heave it out into the back yard like I did with the dryer after it broke a few years back...

and come to think of it
next time I have my buds
over fer a barbieque
and we're cookin up our weenies on the hobitchie
all set up on top the dryer
we can use the seat
to play horseshoes
acause there's something very manly bout
a backyard barbieque
and heaving ol toilet seats
at a shot up stop sign
bagged on an out-the-pickup-truck-window safari...

but anyways, back to the toilet thing
I couldn't find out much about it but I spose toilet was some French werd for it
and the British started using that werd cause the queen mother would bitch
everytime the king would get up in the middle of dinner and say
"I gotta take a dump", and the attendants would yell out
"THE KING WILL NOW RETIRE TO THE PISSER"
and she'd go on and on about how that din't sound sound very royal at all
so her French Aunt OuiOui tole her that "Toilet" was more proper sounding
but that's way stupid ya know cause
well that makes "toilet water" sound like somethin the freekin dawg drinks...

and what the hell is up with that cause then they wanna lick all over you and yer parts
and dammit if ya wanted toilet water all over you
you mite as well get out the freekin shower and splash it on ya out of a freekin bottle...

but anyways then later after the King got back
and he was picking the creamed corn out from atween his teeth
the Queen would say in a haughty tone "I believe I shall use the Toilet"
and she'd glare at the attendents so they would change their announcement to
"HER MADJESTY WILL NOW GRACE THE TOILET WITH HER ROYAL ARSE"
and someone would come in just then holding their nose
acause they went in there after the king and they'd advise her Madjesty
"ode the toilet, acause the king just took a schmidt de size of freeking New Joisey in dere!"
so the queen would demand a royal flush and practically invent highjeans rite there on the spot...

now I don't know this is factual but it sure splains a lotta shit
like calling it the John
prolly dates back to when King John the Second
was scuzing hisself from dinner the attendents yelled out
"HIS MAJESTY - KING JOHN, NUMBER TWO -
WILL NOW SITUATE HIS ROYAL ARSE UPON THE..."
but just then Queen Mary of Loo would cut the attendents
off with a glare and they'd say "THRONE"
then after he was done she'd get up and the attendents
anticipating her every, would call out
"HER ROYAL HINEASS, QUEEN MARY OF LOO
WILL NOW TAKE A TOILET"
and she'd stand outside the door
cause the ode de toilet was bad enough
to kill elderly peasants what lived beyond the castle walls
waiting for the air to clear and unable to sit down
she'd be jumpin around with her legs crossed
so the attendents started to call it a hopper behind her back
and that kinda stuck and meanwhile she'd be muttering
"dammit - I may as well skip to my freekin Loo"
like so many who eventually turnt her homeland into a freeking pisshole
so peeple started callin the can a WaterLoo and the act of taking a whiz was referred to as
"meeting one's waterloo"...

and well between all these variations
and the fact that it made no sense to announce the Queen was off to
"take a toilet", the French suggested another alternative - "La Treine"
which I think literally means "I piss in the freekin river along with everyone else"
and though that one din't catch on very well it beat the hell outta callin it a "Pierre"
which is French fer "Stand atop the castle walls and pee into the freekin moat"
what was kinda popular back then I guess cause when ya gotta go really bad
you don't wanna be having to be hopping down the freekin stairs
only to find out the King is in there taking a Royal dump
but still the phrase "I gotta Pierre so bad my molars are doing the backstroke" never really went anywheres...

but all this shit din't happen till later
cause of course humans needed to relieve themselves in earlier times too
like the cavemen, who would be sitting around eating barbiequeued burgersauruses
when the chief would stand up and say, "Me go grunt"
and the chief chick would give him one of those looks that meant
"Me wish you call it a freekin toilet"...

and even back then the cave chicks prolly said shit like
"fer gawdsake will you quit pissin on the seat?"
cause wimmins has prolly been bitchin like that for a gazillion years...

that's why the Egyptoids invented the Kings Chamber
and the Queens Chamber and everyone agreed
separate facilities made a hell of a lot of sense
so when the Pharoh got up to take a schmidt
in the middle of dinner the Pharohess wouldn't werry
bout not being able to get thru the smell
cause she demanded that her freeking chamber
be on a totally different floor
and I bet she'd roll her eyes and figure
he was bound to be in there so damn long they might as well just embalm his ass and be done with it
and that's why they found all those scrolls in the King's Chamber
cause an Egyptoid Pharoh named Popeye Ras invented this reading on the can stuff...

and that was sufficient fer a long long time
till Plato started writing while he'd take a schmidtipopolus in Greece
but cause Greekonians and Egyptoids hated each other's guts there was a Greek paper shortage
so he started writing on the walls
which is why - I think it was Ramses or Ali-baba or one of them guys back then
made up that line "those who write on bathroom walls, roll their shit in little balls"
which some historians who can't read the writing on the walls
think was written bout dung beetles cause they roll shit up too
but that's just stupid cause of course dung beetles can't write fer schmidt...

anyways - finally the Romans got this idea that ok, the Gyptoids have indoor facilities
but they has no plumbing, so they invented pipes, and then peeple din't have to pee in the rivers
instead they'd pee into troughs and the pipes would dump it into the river
so that saved a hell of a lotta walkin
so much so that one day someone lookt around and said
"damn, these freekin Romans are some fat slobs"
and so then instead of getting up in the middle of dinner to take a dump
they'd just shove a feather down their throats and hurl into a trough
which led to the invention of the plumber, and larger pipes, but that's getting a lil off track...

cept that it was during this time
that some guy figgerd ok
we has reading and writing on the can
but not talking on the can - so he invented that
and gave a sermon on the mount
what went on like ferever
and the Romans got really pisst off and said
geezus christ already get the hell off that mount acause we has an entire freekin legion here needin to drain their weasels
and I think they ended up tossin his ass off a train or some shit like that...

and not too long after that Nero started telling that ol joke
about "what kinda sound does hurl make when it hits the trough"
and peeple would pretend they dint know the answer to suck up
you know like peeple do to rulers that are likely to burn their freeking houses down
and he'd say "WOP", but really only the freeking Greeks thought that was funny...

but anyways after that I don't know what happent for a while acause it was the Dark Ages
and we don't know shit about those times
so I can only speculate here that the monks would all be eating in the dining hall
and the high monk would stand up and announce "I goeth to take a shallth"
and the monks would wish to hell the freekin hopper was on another floor
but kept their mouths shut about it, cause they all took an oath of silence
but I bet when the high monk was on the can they'd whisper stuff like
"He thinketh his shalth don't steenketh"
and lookin up from them paper scrolls they'd be writing on
they'd quietly mutter "He can taketh this job and shoveth it up his holy ass"
which is how toilet paper came to be invented, but I won't go into that...

cause suddenly it was the Rennisanse and monks gave way to nekid fat wimmins
but the French contributed little to the matter
except fer bedpans
and that's where the werd "potty" came from as in
"donnez moi la pottˇ" ["fetch me the freekin shit bucket"]
which of course led to the French Revolution
and rebels who were sentenced to Austrailia
for shouting "DUNNY *THIS*"
cause who the hell wants that freekin job
fetchin a damn French provinchewal ceramic bucket (POTTerY)
fer some old lard-assed white-wigged fat man to sit on
with his freeking tights pulled down
around his Gaul damned ankles - that had to suck...

and then schmidt hit the fan
cause along came the Industrivial Revolution
and the invention of the outhouse - and the fan
cause it was like, if yer gonna sit around
schmidting into a freekin bucket
do it outside where noone has to look at you...

and on ships they started calling it a head which is a bit too weerd to go into here
cause ya has to aks some questions about what the hell a freekin bulkhead is...

anyays now they got wimmin awfulsirs on ships
and they're prolly running around ordering the guys to stop leaving the seat up
or they get courtmartialed and it's like dammit lady
yer a freekin officer in the Navy
ya aughta have the sense to look first...

and that's gotta suck, I mean trying to keep straight what the hell anyone is really saying
when they be talking about head with wimmins around...

like say the crew is in the middle of dinner
and one of these wimmin awfulsirs gets up and says they has to whiz
and the ship's seward comes all over the PA system
"HER ADMIRALESS, LOOTENDENT CRAPENTER, IS LEAVING TO TAKE A HEAD IN THE PORT BOW"...

a whole lotta popular phrases has whole different meanings in the Navy
"don't let it go to your head", and "she's out of her head (finally)"
and "heads are gonna roll if we don't steer clear of that storm"...

and in the Navy headhunting isn't an occupation it's a freekin dance
a headwaiter is one who's in the headline (dancin)...

you can hear the strains of the headband complete with a freekin headwinds section
you need headquarters for the freekin payheads
if you get a headache you might wanna try some headbanging
a headmaster is seated at the head of the training class
gettin yer head examined is an everyday inspection
and I won't go into what the hell headgear is all about...

cause I need to say a short word or two about the Walmartian hoppers
just stay the hell outta those places cause I've heard of peeple goin in there and never coming out
I think cause the toilets might be freekin transporters
one damn flush and yer liable to end up on Uranus or some shit
which kinda sucks cause now yer car's parked like a gazillion light years away
but the filthy martian toilets are the least of the reasons to stay the hell away from there...

anyways back to Mr. Crapper and this whole seat issue
the way it's handled is stupid
the best way to handle it would be to install urinals in the home
where men and wimmins share the bathroom
but no, where do they stick them but in the freekin men's room
where nobody gives a damn about whether the seat is up or not
like the freekin Romans who just hauled whatever they had up to a trough and let loose,
the last thing they werried about was a freekin seat
all they wanted to do was hurl and get back to their orgies...

but no - we don't have no damn orgies now - why - acause of freekin toilet seats
now we just have these gall dammed horseshoes
which might exsplain why nobody comes to my barbieques anymore.

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