A History of Motorized Transportation

Wheels Of Power
by Bob Grubb		A History of Motorized Transportation and stuff

It's been said by those with a helluva lot more on the dipstick than me
that what sets us apart from all the other livin speedcies on this planet
is that thing what we has what no other animal has: motorized transportation...

in prehistoric times
people di'n't write down jack squat
cause paper hadn't been invented yet
so we don't know fred scoot
about motorized transportation
back then
or *anything*
about what the hell was up with them...

ya know, when ya think about it
horseless carriages prolly didn't move a whole lot

until the invention of motors
cept I spose places
what had people willing to pull and or lift
the fattest members of society
but we don't know wong fu
about those places
cause they wou'dn't allow visitors
for fear these intruders
would corrupt their pulliftist fleets...

anyways
suddenly it was the early 1900s
and out in the Sahara desert
oil was discovert
by a gang of vagnorant Texans
shootin at some food
and up thru the ground
it came bubblin crude
like black gold only wetter
right under the noses
of the people what lived there
only they (the people what lived there)
di'n't know this cause it (the oil)
had been under a lot of sand
until then...

Barrels of oil used to caost a lot less cause
they used smaller barrels back then.

		though Henry Fonda di'n't actually invent the automobile he did bring assembly-line techniques to manufacturing and invented the assembly-line worker this spawned all sortsa spinoff enterprises what would depend on asphalting most of civilization which in turn would set into almost perpetual motion a red river of roadkill the details of which I won't go into here cause this is about motorized transportation not what it runs over...
The Hell's Fargo Stagecoach Gang. This scruffy bunch looks like they just whipped off their horses. Gangs still look a lot like this.

but well - k - but just a tad back in the old days - before cars you di'n't get much in the way of roadkill oh sure there'd be the occasional snake smashing cause it'd be sleepin on the trail and wou'dn't smell the wagon approachin but for the most part back then there wasn't much in the way of roadkill cept what you could shoot outta the stagecoach windows...

		Snakes d'n't always sleep on the trail. The Old West was a real scarey place.

Fido uses Old Spot deodorant for 24 hour protection.

asides from motorized transportation
the other thing people have
that animals don't, is deodorant
though they prolly should
actually deodorant was a spin off industry
of the assembly-line worker industry
so we di'n't have that till recently either
so not too long ago
before they started manufacturin deodorant
animals could tell when we was coming
and get the hell outta the way most of the time...

yer prolly all aware of the dangers of deodorant
so I won't go into much of it cept to point out
that most deodorants have aluminum in them
and we all know how aluminum reacts in the human body...

yep, satellites home in on aluminum
and can track you everywhere you go
but you can easily defeat that
by puttin aluminum foil in yer shoes
then when they be trackin you
it scrambles the signal all up
and they can't tell if yer a human
or a freekin recycle bin...

anyways, that's a whole nother story
and this is sposed to be about
motorized transportation...

maybe you never noticed before
but just the number of wheels on yer ride
say a lot about how cool you are
an odd number of wheels
has always been very lame
I mean you can't look very cool
drivin down the road on a 3 wheeler
what looks like a freekin toy
and you look even werse
on one of them unicycles
what only has one wheel...

those 3 wheeler shoppin scooters
they has in Walmars
I'm sure they're right handy
for those what truly need em
but most of the people I see
driving them things
all over the freekin store

are just riding em cause
they're too overweight
to be on their feet too long
and since they don't qualify fer handicapt parking
they has to walk all the way from their car
into the freekin store
so they're wore out...

these are the rudest ones by the way
you know, the ones what keep backing up
so their lil 3 wheeler beep beeps
like WARNING WARNING
THIS SCOOTER
WHAT A PISSANT
WHAT WALKS WITH A LIMP
CAN OUTPACE IS BACKIN UP
SO GET THE HELL
OUTTA THE FREEKIN WAY...

them's the ones what get all pissy
if yer in the aisle
they be making their slow crawly ass down
and ya know there aint room
for that oncoming cart and you
leavin you one of two choices
leave the aisle
or turn away from them
and pretend you can't hear
that whirr grindin noise closin in on you
and then they're all "EXXX QUOOOOOZZZZZZ ME! "
and yer like "wut"
and they're like "I NEEDS TO GET THRU"
and yer like
"SO BEEP BEEP BEEP THAT FREEKIN THING
BACK THE WAY YOU CAME
AND GO DOWN ANOTHER FREEKIN AISLE! "...

and then they start that sobbin stuff
carryin on the way they do
when you won't stop the freekin car
for cheeseburgers
and wailin away like
"THERE AINT ENOUGH ROOM
TO MANUREVER THE SCOOTER
ATWEEN ANY OTHER AISLE
THEY'RE ALL BLOCKED UP WITH
CRAP THEY HAS ON SALE
CAUSE THEY AINT GOT ANYWHERE
TO PUT ALL THIS SHIT! "
and I'm thinkin
geezus freekin crispies
of course it's a tight fit
all the aisles all cluttered up
with all sortsa
overstocked free trade crap...

they's got Canadian Midol
and Malaysian spandex shorts
Botswanian shaving creams
and Lady Schmidt razors
assembled in Romania
and Kuwaitian drain cleaners
stainless steel stuff from China
what won't rust unless it gets wet
tuna fish imported from Bangladesh
shoes made in Mexico outta scrap tires
Panamanian anti-freeze
and generic saltine crackers
manufactured in Guam
Yugoslovian brazil nuts
Bavarian cough drops
Tunisian trousers with metric waist sizes
Italian deodorant and Yemenese tamponry
the kinda underwear Madeline Albright wears
built outta Norwegian cotton
pre-stressed in Indonesia
and each packaged with a free can
of American-made Easy Cheese
and here you are riding around
with like 60 pounds of you
hangin off yer scooter
on each side...

Highly decorated Walmars Manager Colon Bowel at the Grand Opening of the Bagdhad Walmars Supercenter.

- photo courtesy WMD Inspection Team

but 4 wheels on a vehicle is cool
and the more you can show off yer wheels
by gettin them over-tall
over-wide tires
the cooler 4 wheels looks...

ya know
if it weren't for car wrecks
a whole lotta movies
would be a whole lot shorter...

before 4 wheelers were invented
people could only drive 2 wheelers
so a lot of people fell off back then
prolly nothin is as cool as a 2 wheeler...

nothin but two wheels between you and yer freekin spandex shorts and ya shave yer legs fer cripesake claimin if ya di'n't the wind resistence in yer leg hair would slow you down and dude I don't care if you do have one of those way cool rearmounted high flyin orange flags on yer bike dammit cause yer shavin yer freakin chest and wearing cutoff tank tops fer cryinoutloud lookin all the werld like some kinda butt peddler...
		A trio of partsissypants in Spandex's 4th Annual Hump And Pump Riding Marathon gaily race by. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I've been seein a gang
of motorcycle bikers lately
whilst drivin to work
biker gangs are a rough lookin bunch
a long line of guys headin down the highway
all leathered up, long hair trailin out behind em

a lot of em with braless biker babes hangin on to em
and the guys has their thighs all wrapped around their machines
and the babes has their thighs all wrapped around their guy
and not a muffler in the lot...

I guess it's all about being cool and being looked at
and even if ya don't look so cool
ya get looked at sorta
cause everyone be checkin out the babes nibbles
and even if the people watchin are gay
and don't care about the chicks
though the machine between the legs is kinda appealin
they'll look to see who's makin all that freekin noise...

well the guys in my local motorcycle gang are just like that
cept they're like 60 years old
now I dunno about you but
seeng some ol guy
what weighs 300 pounds from the waist up
with long grey grizzly backhair
between the thighs of a 60 year old woman
whose nibbles be flying out behind her with her hair
still makes ya turn yer head and look
cause they still has the freekin noise thing goin on
and even if yer deaf yer gonna look
to see if their bike is gonna hold up under the weight...

I think the whole biker gang thing
goes back to Hannibal
him and his gang
all lined up on their elephants
looking all bad and shit
cause you gotta be a hell of a man
to mount an elephant
and push yer ride so hard it roars
or whatever the hell they do
to make freekin noise
and I guess really, in a way
elephants are better cause
you can get an entire biker babe harem
riding behind you on one of them things...

and everywhere you'd be riding
you and the gang would be stopping
and tearin up towns
yer elephants wailin
and stompin all over everything
and they'd be makin movies about you
looking all cool on yer elephant
and bout how deep down inside
yer sensitve and shy
cause yer really just a skeered little boy
but you won't let people see that
fer fear they might think yer a sissy
and gay...

just a Punic gay sissy boy
in them lil green
leather Alpine shorts
with built on suspenders
and a lil Peter Pansy hat
yoddlin around
and lookin all the werld
like ya just strolled offa
freekin bag of cough drops...

so you'd be all up in the air on yer ride
and yer ride would be makin all kindsa loud threatenin' racket
and leavin piles of elemanure every few yards
who the hell would mess with you then
even if you were like in yer 60s and shit
people would just be lookin at you all the time
with a shock and awe policy in their eyes
and passin out shovels...

one bad thing about 2 wheels
is the natural tendency they has to fall over and crash
goin down on yer bike has got to suck
yer too tough to wear a helmet
so there's just a bandana
tween you and the asphalt
but I guess it's nothin
compared to goin down on an elephant
as had to happen a lot
up on them slippery Alps
I guess that's why
as tough as Hannibel and his gang was
they always wore their helmets...

the Arabs had camels
so they wore turbans...

prolly the reason
camels were used
for transportation
is cause out in the desert
there ain't nothin else
though I suspect
when a camel goes down on you
ya gotta be wantin a Hummer...

it's gotta suck bein in a camel gang
I mean it's way hard to look cool on a camel
and if you do get some hot babe
to climb on behind you
they'll just slide off
the moment you start to move...

so there you are easy ridin
way up high on the hump
sorta squattin on it for balance
yer too tough to wear a turban
and you don't give a desert rat's ass
about babes what can't straddle
a hump successfully....

yer camel is crampin yer style of course
with it's big ol lips and it's long droopy eyelashes
but it's all the ride one can expect offa the desert
so yer a goin into town and a yellin at ppl
cause even though camels can make a lotta noise
the noise is so stupit soundin
yer sorta bound to apologize for it...

so instead you has to make yer own noise
and yer yellin and sayin stuff like
"Yo Ahab! I spit in the sand what yer camel pees in!"
and then Ahab runs over
and pulls you down offa yer camel and says

"so yer not so freekin tuff
without yer camel are you, Habeeb?"
but then you open up the persian rug yer wearing
soas Ahab can see yer collection
of chains and brass knuckles
and other assorted weapons of mass destruction
bikers carry even if their bike is a freekin camel
and you look into Ahab's eyes without fear
and say somethin like
"I'm gonna woop the Alladdin outta yer ass!"
but just then yer own camel
what yer now standing in front of
makes one of those embarrassin noises
and spits on the top of yer head ...

and it's running all down yer face
and Ahab is laughin so hard
he nearly pees his sheet
but he don't
cause ya know water's scarce out there
and he dont wanna get yer camel anymore excited than it already is...

just then yer babe
the one what slid off
the back of yer camel
5 miles back
finally catches up all pissed off
takes a look at the camel loogy on yer head
takes a look at Ahab
and drives off with him
in his freekin Mercedez
that's gotta suck bad...

I think I saw a movie like that once
only it wasn't in the desert
and it di'n't have camels
but in it this loner guy rides into town
on his motorcycle
I dunno, I think it was
either Frank Sinatra or Don Knotts...

and you can tell he's way bad
cause he aint wearin a freekin helmet
and his bike don't have a muffler
and he drives up to the general store
what they always have in these sortsa movies
and as he gets off his bike
the sheriff struts over and says
"Habeeb, we don't want yer kind in our town"...

so you open up yer leather jacket so he can see
you has the complete assortment of bad guy weaponry
brass knuckles, and chains, and a gernade
and you sneer at him
and put yer cigar butt out on his badge
and say "what the hell are you gonna do about it copper?"...

just then three North Korean deputy chicks jump off the roof
all wailing "AIIEEEEEEEE!! "
and other threatenin shit
just like in that
Grouchy Tiger, Draggin Wagon movie
cept without subtitles
cause everyone watchin the movie
already knows what the hell
"AIIEEEEEEEE!! " means
yeah - TAI-CHI KICK-BOXING
and so they proceed to kick yer ass
in slow motion...

you never see a cool guy in the movies
drivin a 3 wheeled vehicle
but if ya did it would prolly go like this...

the chief of police calls yer ass at home
and tells ya there's gonna be
SOMETHING BIG GOIN DOWN
maybe
only he don't know what
or where - and everyone's on code orange
so ya has to promptly
get yer ass out there on the street
and direct traffic or some shit like that
maybe...

so you slam down the phone
and wriggle yer lil boy ass
into yer spandex shorts
and yer usin an electric razor
to shave off all the stubble
you can get at from the neck down
cause you has to be there in a hurry
and though you don't know jack ashcroft
about where or what or when or why
ya can't be having no hairy wind resistence
slowin you down durin a freekin orange alert...

and ya run down stairs
and out the front door
and yer almost to yer car
but you fergot yer lil strap-on
water bottle so ya runs back
fill it with sparkling spring water
run back out the door
bend the lil tube to point at yer mouth
squeeze a lil down yer throat
and then squirt it all over yer hair
so anyways yer at yer car...

its a 3 wheeler
with a way cool
rearmounted high flyin orange flag
just like ya find on a bicycle
waving above the single rear wheel
so ya gets in and ya straps on
yer lil helmet
and make like a bat outta hell
yellin at all the people in yer way
on the sidewalk
"EXXX QUOOOOOZZZZZZ ME! "...

well you and yer 3 wheeler are really nothin
but an embarassment to the entire force
and the next thing ya know
they takes one of yer wheels away
and now yer peddlin yer spandex ass
around town, on a freekin bicycle
handin tickets out
fer shit like litterin and jaywalkin...

then one day yer writing a ticket for some guy
what di'n't pick up his dawg's leavings
when suddenly there's this loud roar
and a motorcycle gang rides up
and parks their bikes
all around yer ten speed...

and the meanest one of the bunch
a 400 pound 60 year old guy
bald of natural causes
with "homosays spandex"
tattooed up one arm
without apologies
and "I has chunks of you in my stool"
down the other
strolls over and says
"we're gonna kick yer sissy ass Spandexed butt"...

and so now yer in a pickle
trapped atween yer civic duty to take action
against a pile of dawg doo
and a band of geriatric circus freaks on steroids...

and ya don't even know Tai-chi...

but ya do know Feng Shui
so ya try to impact their lives
by re-arranging their environment
but they ain't all that keen
on yer deeper-than-average interest
in design principles
so they just stomp you
into heterosexuality...

I prefer four wheeled vehicles myself
that way ya has doors you can lock
I think the coolest car I ever owned
was a jeep I got
offa government auction website
for a dollar
it had some kinda military-surplus
halogen-lazerwave headlights
the high beams were so intense
they'd jam the CD players in on-coming traffic
but they were really great
for drivin along country roads in the dark...

ya know how a deer will freeze in it's tracks
when it sees a headlight
well these high beams
would freeze a deer at 500 yards
at 100 yards they'd start to sizzle
so by the time you hit them they were ready to serve...

and you could alter yer oncoming speed
depending on if you like 'em rare or well done...

back in the 1950s
people used to be tole
that one day there'd be
personal flying air cars
well it aint happent yet
but when it finally does happen
we're gonna be faced with air-cycle gangs
and pedestrians are gonna have to dodge
shit like tossed beer cans and biker spit
all fallin down outta the sky....

and even if yer like 50,000 feet up
they're gonna be lookin up to see
what the hell is causin all that freekin noise
and since the whole point in ridin with the gang
is to get people to look at you
it's gonna suck
cause yer up so damn high
you can't even differentiate a human
from a freekin recycle bin...

goin down on yer bike
is gonna have a real litteral meanin to it
so there won't be much point
in wearing helmets up there
but after a few bikers
splat all over occupied settlements
legislation'll be passed
requirin bikers to wear parachutes...

only you won't wear one
cause you'll wanna look tough
like ya don't have a problem with
falling 50,000 feet to nearly certain death...

which brings us to the Segway
the 2 wheeled vehicle
code named "Ginger"
prolly cause it looks like somethin
the Professor on Gilligan's Island
would have a wet dream over
you can't tip the Segway over
unless yer some chimpanzee
with dick zilch for brains
in charge of world destiny
or some shit like that...

The Commander In Chief, also part-time jet fighter pilot, doin some unintentional off-roading.

k, earlier i said 2 wheelers were cool
but that was till
the guy what invented the Segway
decided to put the 2 wheels
side by side
how the hell can you even have gay pride
ridin around on somethin what looks like
them Fisher-Price Push & Pop toys
2 year olds drive their Moms nuts with...

ya know if this inventor guy
had focused instead
on making a normal
1 in the front and 1 in the rear 2 wheeler
that wou'dn't tip over
and would run offa battery
he'd a singlehandledly wiped out
the entire motorcycle helmet industry
and rid the world of a whole lotta noise
and a whole lotta freekin people
who wou'dn't have a life
if they cou'dn't make loud threatening noises...

in terms of motorized transportation
we've come along way in a short time
but we'd a made better time
if we weren't having to stop
every few freekin miles
to let our wimmin pee.

Return

Gulfcart Gang vs. Camel Gang terrortorial warfair has ekscalated in recent times. Pitchered here from left to the otherside are Larry Powell, Moe Bush, and Curly Dick playing their way thru Iraq.

- photo couptesy The Mystery Science Coalitionalishly-like Committee To Rebuild Iraq's Gulfcourses Theater.